Before my sister died, there was a lot of conflict between us because of her addiction. She would mass text and email me and lock up the crappy little phone I had way back then. Most of her rants made little sense, and there were things said between us that were very angry and hurtful.
Then she died, and all that just washed away in grief and guilt. I forgot about those texts and emails for 6 years, until the other day when I was exploring my old Yahoo account and found them.
I was three years sober at the time of her death. But two years sober when the emails were sent. I was very intolerant, unforgiving, ready to attack, swear, shame…
I had a responsibility, as a sober Christian person, to be more loving, not to swear, to pray through my anger. To use a calmer head.
I am not saying that I am perfect now, for I am far from it. But grief and loss have taught me to take a more subtle approach when possible. Yes, absolutely tell an addict that they will die if they go on. But love them. Make sure that they know that there is always HOPE.
Why did I drink? Mostly because of guilt and shame. If we seek to show how forgiving we can be, while also not tolerating the act of addiction, how much easier it would be for an addict to seek treatment. And the phrase “You can’t do it on your own,” is a very true statement. None of us can do this life alone.
I have found my peace with Jesus Christ, He stands firmly behind me in my walk with sobriety. He forgives my past slips and relapses, with His abounding grace. Knowing that He does so makes me desire alcohol less. I would not be here today but for Him. That is agape love.
Tag: relationships
A Puzzled Heart
Don’t Ever Wanna Miss You
Still can hardly endeavor to believe
You’re right here beside me
Smilin and holding me close
I wanna fold you into forever
Dreamt of you through my tears
All those years
Something about you
Heals what’s broken in me
No longer standing still
I love and I feel
You and me, we are real
Don’t ever wanna miss you…
Stay
Unspoken words hang still in the air
The breath catches in my throat
Life, it seems, is never fair
Like a silent movie, it plays out til the bitter end
Regardless of dreams, wishes and cares
Emotions broil near the surface
Time… running into turmoil
Why is life such a complicated mess?
Can’t we just hold each other into the night?
I just love you and Love is worth the fight
I want you to stay and never take flight
Love me, my soul, all in due time
We are worth the climb.
❤
Benevolence
You touched my soul
Held me in your arms
It was my heart you stole
Cherish every moment
The magic in a kiss
The truth is chosen
But do we exist?
Dancing close to the fire
Happiness so easy to obtain
Elevate us higher
True love is so noble
Was that not your goal?
To relieve discontent?
Providing meaning to the answers
Show a spoken desire…
We were one, together
We are love, forever
Time has no relevance
We touch and perceive benevolence
Elegance…
We Died Standing Still
I think of you and me and how we died standing still.
I was alone,
How could you not feel?
There were moments you would just stare,
As I stood in the pouring rain,
I never before felt such lack of care.
When I was sinking,
Down into the depths.
What could you have possibly been thinking?
You wore a path so sore,
You ripped and you tore,
Hid from me.
Smoking your cigarettes.
Selfish intent.
I thought I held your love yet it was only jealous respect.
My heart bled.
Now in retrospect,
Love I reject.
Domestic Violence
SAD
Too many disappointments have been reaped from a sorrow-filled life…
Too many tears I have shed, for a man who called me his wife.
Often I wonder what all this is for,
Why is this load so heavy to bear?
Why am I trying so hard?
It doesn’t seem to matter anymore.
Although I have come a long way,
From the misery of before,
Still I have to wonder,
What am I here for?
PLEASE UNDERSTAND
Please understand:
It wasn’t just the bruises that hurt.
It was the shame,
It was and is the names.
I was sinking,
Still do sometimes…
So low.
I feel I cannot live carrying this knowledge… must relieve it, but…
I don’t know how…
I sink…
I cry, give my soul to all the world.
Few can understand my plight.
Or could back then, either…
No one can fathom…
My psychology…
How helpless I felt .
I could not emotionally survive without him…
I could not save myself…
I turned on myself…
Blamed myself.
Excused him…
At times, how I loved him! Oh it was higher than the sky!
How I hated him, at others…
Then, confusion…
Then,
Vengeful…
Most of all,
Feeling, once more,
self-blame,
at the same time,
as Hate.
A cycle.
Missing on Maui & the Big Island of Hawaii
Missing From: Wailuku, Hawaii
Missing Since: 01/12/14
White Female
Age at Disappearance: 46
Date of Birth: 09/08/67
Height: 5’7
Weight: 170
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown
Clothing: Black cargo capri pants. Cotton Shirt
Nickname: Mo
Details of Disappearance
Monsalve was last seen around 10 p.m. on January 12 at her ex-boyfriend’s home in Wailuku. She was reported missing on January 14 and the car she had been driving was found later that day. She has never been seen or heard from since. Her case remains unsolved.
Investigative Agency
Maui Police Department ( Hawaii)
808-989-6246
Source: http://www.ncmissingpersons.org/moreira-monsalve/
Mowatch Page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mowatchmoreiramonsalve
If you know anything about Mo’s disappearance, please call MPD. Anything at all. Alexis and her family deserve to know, to have closure, to have justice.
Name: Carly “Charli” Scott
Missing from Makawao, Maui, Hawaii
Age: 27
Height: 5’10
Weight: 160 lbs
Hair: Red
Eyes: Green
NEW: Disappeared Special Aired tonight, May 26, 2014- Missing in Maui : http://www.investigationdiscovery.com/tv-shows/disappeared/videos/four-crime-scenes-one-missing-person.htm?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=DisappearedonID
Carly Scott’s mother reported her missing on Monday, February 10, 2014. She was last seen by a family member on Sunday night, the 9th of February, leaving her sister’s home in her 1997 Toyota 4Runner with her dog Nala. Her dog was found in the Nahiku Marketplace unharmed. Her vehicle was found burned near the Peahi shoreline at the surf spot also known as Jaws. Charli was nearly 6 months pregnant at the time of her disappearance. Her case was reclassified as a homicide on March 7, 2014.
Contact information: Callers can remain anonymous by contacting Maui Crime Stoppers, Inc. at (808) 242-6966 or toll free from outer islands at (888) 242-6966. Maui Crime Stoppers, Inc. is a non-profit corporation that allows members of the public to remain anonymous while providing police with information vital to this case. Or you can call the Maui Police Department Tip Hotline at (808) 244-6400 Ext. 0. Crimestoppers website, click here.
For further information, please visit Charli’s family’s Find Charli Scott Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/FindCharliScott
The family is having a memorial on Sunday, March 23, 2014, at 11:00 AM. Baldwin Beach Park, Paia, Hawaii.
Please pray for justice for Charli & Joshua Aiden Scott. You will never be forgotten.
If you know anything, any tiny little thing that could help break this case or Mo’s case, CALL IT IN. You will not only be doing a service to their families but for yourself, the human race. This poor woman and child did not deserve this fate. The perpetrator(s) of this crime(s) must be called to account for what he or they have done in a court of law. Also, if you have any theories with evidence to back it up, please get in touch with police or family. If you see anyone behaving suspiciously either in the area or on the web, call. Or get in touch online.
I was surprised to find out that I had a couple friends over there in Maui who were friends with people who were friends with Charli, her friends and her ex boyfriend. The islands are that small. I am rooting for you, Charli & Joshua! Much Love from a Hawaiian Violet to a beautiful Unicorn. ❤
Naomi Monica Shalom Sanders
Missing since June 6, 2011
Last Seen at her home in Kealakekua, Hawaii at 8pm
Big Island of Hawaii
County of Hawaii
State of Hawaii
First Name: Naomi
Middle: Monica Shalom
Maiden: Beshore
Age: 42 at disappearance
Height: 5’1-5’3
Weight: 100 -120 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Hazel
Tattoos: Tribal band tattoo upper right arm
Clothing: A blue t-shirt and black shorts or a dark red long sleeved shirt and dark-colored denim pants.
Medical: Sanders is an alcoholic. She is disabled.
Circumstances: Naomi Sanders (Beshore), female 42 years old, who resides at her mothers Kealakekua coffee-farm property, in a separate dwelling, was last seen at her residence on 06-06-2011 at about 8pm. The following morning she could not be located and mysteriously, her vehicle, purse, cell phone, etc remained. Sanders, an alcoholic, was reportedly extremely intoxicated and was acting unusual the last day she was seen but thorough searches were conducted on / around the property which resulted in no sign of Naomi.
Her bank account has been untouched. An extensive search of the area turned up no clues. She was supposed to fly to Honolulu on June 14, 2011 to have bladder surgery but never showed for her flight. A possible sighting of her on June 15 in the vicinity of the Honolulu Airport but this hasn’t been confirmed and there’s no evidence she flew at all.
Naomi was recently separated from husband, however there is no indication at this point to believe he or anyone else close to her is involved in her disappearance. She used to run a cleaning business with her husband, Professional Cleaning Systems. Little information is available. Her family believes she is deceased.
Sources: http://www.charleyproject.org/cases/s/sanders_naomi.html
http://www.missingin.org/reg6373/naomi_monica_shalom_sanders.htm
http://hilo.hawaiitribune-herald.com/sections/news/local-news/without-trace.html
I knew Naomi in High School, she was a friend of mine. I was younger than her and I knew her sister better. I was horrified and appalled to learn of her disappearance, and as the months and then years just went by with nothing new learned, it was just really awful and sad. No one knows what happened to Omi. Her sister still grieves for her. I cannot imagine any sort of real closure happening without knowing WHO, WHAT, WHEN, HOW & WHY.
Before my sister passed away, she was missing for almost two weeks. This wasn’t all that uncommon for her to fall off the radar for a few days, but weeks? Her daughter was pregnant and about to give birth. Then I called my dad and was in the process of leaving a message to say, ‘Hey maybe we ought to call in a missing person’s report,’ when my dad picked up and said my sister was gone. Eventually we got autopsy results and found out what happened. There was no foul play. It is still really sad and awful to lose a loved one the way we did. At least we know, we got answers… I still have a lot of questions, but those will likely never be answered.
The point is, every family needs to know. If you know what happened to Naomi, any clue whatsoever, please, do the right thing. Call Hawaii Police Department. Police Detective Sean Smith at 326-4646, ext. 262, or the police non-emergency line at 935-3311. Anonymous tips may be left at 961-8300.Thank you.
May all of our loved ones and all those who are missing who have passed rest in perfect peace.
Excerpts from my poetry book, Lost & Found
From my published book, Lost & Found.
See You (2003)
You…
I thought it impossible,
Not being able…
To see…
You…
I broke down.
I realized,
I care.
You mean the world.
And when you called,
I danced…
Echoes (2004)
Your laughter echoes, in the back of my mind, like a dream,
Like a cascading waterfall, tumbling down, tickling my memory.
An ECHO.
It’s just a memory.
It stagnates inside,
Stifles me.
This Pain (2004)
This pain…
Too excruciating.
This pain…
I told myself:
Never let yourself feel again.
So why did I?
Wanted to feel the love without the pain…
Torture,
Exquisite though it may be.
Still too awful to be perceived by anyone but me.
Reality.
If You Hadn’t Left Me
You used to say, Remind Me
If you hadn’t left me,
You wouldn’t live in such Misery.
Yes, perhaps you are right,
between the red, black & blue,
there would have been moments bright.
He used to say,
When he leaves you,
I’ll do you a favor,
take you back.
Thank you for your ‘generosity.’
Maybe I should be trusted.
Perhaps I can make my own decisions.
Put your guns…
Away.
I don’t want to play…
Anymore.
hawaiianviolet 