Honolulu Visit to Doctor

I went to Honolulu yesterday to see my doctor. As is usual these days, long trips make me physically ill. The last time I went was in December and I picked up the flu virus at Queen’s Medical Center and was sick for days following my trip. When my primary doctor told me I would need to go again, I cringed. She doesn’t know what these trips do to me. I do. I understand the necessity for them, however.

When my plane landed I decided I’d buy some postcards to send to my daughter in NY, so she could see what Waikiki and Honolulu looked like. I knew my opportunities for taking pictures would be limited, as I would not be driving myself around the city. I had about five minutes to do this before my medical transport driver called looking for me.

I arrived about two hours early at Queen’s, so I walked around for a few blocks and took some pictures of the area. I don’t really know Honolulu but after asking questions I discovered I was across the street from the State Capitol. I thought the facade of the building looked similar to SUNY Albany’s exterior.

I was out of breath and felt like a brick had been placed on my chest by the time I arrived back at Queen’s 45 minutes later for my appointment. I was also faint and depending on whether I stood or sat, my breathing became worse or better. My doctor came in and we talked. I told him how I was feeling lately and how I felt just then, about recent symptoms. He told me he wants me to see a heart specialist because he’s concerned that a simple 45 minute walk would have such an affect on me. So I will be going back to Queen’s sooner than I thought.

I returned to the airport and was out of breath and out of sorts, in pain and exhausted. By the time I arrived home, I was beyond tired and worried about my health. There are a few things I need to change in my life, and some seem to be insurmountable. I hope I can do them because I am too young to have a heart attack. I would appreciate any and all prayers.

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We Died Standing Still

I think of you and me and how we died standing still.

I was alone,

How could you not feel?

There were moments you would just stare,

As I stood in the pouring rain,

I never before felt such lack of care.

When I was sinking,

Down into the depths.

What could you have possibly been thinking?

You wore a path so sore,

You ripped and you tore,

Hid from me.

Smoking your cigarettes.

Selfish intent.

I thought I held your love yet it was only jealous respect.

My heart bled.

Now in retrospect,

Love I reject.

Loneliest Person in the World

With all the ways to communicate in this world, I am the loneliest person in the world. As I sit here listening to a beautiful version of John Legend’s All of Me with Lindsey Stirling, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwsYvBYZcx4, my heart feels broken. The violin pulls at my heartstrings and tugs tears from my eyes. I never envisioned my life to wind up like this. I always imagined I’d have a happy ending. College, career, love, marriage, kids… I never thought I’d end up a 42 year old divorcee living alone after my sons became adults, having to live away from my daughter during the most important years of her life.
In this world, we have Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Google+, Blogs, cellphones, texting. All designed to stay in touch with the people who are important to us, and to meet people with similar interests to us. I do appreciate that they are there. But the one person I want to stay in touch with? Well, it doesn’t matter that I have all of those, because the distance between us is more than miles. It is time, and time cannot be undone. I left. My health made it necessary. I never thought that would drive a wedge between us, between a daughter and her mom. But it has. And I grieve.

 

I have been the most unlucky in love. Over and over again, I have chosen the wrong people. I have failed in relationships or they have let me down. The world has beat me down. I have searched the world over, it seems, for someone I can love… looked high and low. The only one I ever really loved, the only person I gave my whole heart and soul to, the only one I gave the world to, was the worst person in the world for my heart. I always wanted to believe in a soul mate, but I do not any longer. There is no such thing. I don’t believe in fairy tales. There is no ‘prince charming.’ If there ever was, the world ruined him long before I ever got there.

 

I live in isolation. I no longer live in fear, most of the time, but it has taken a toll in my life, in that I don’t have any friends locally. I haven’t made friends with my neighbors, not really. I am really eccentric. The friends I knew back when I was young have long disappeared, like ghosts in the wind. I am the loneliest person in the world. I see other people interact, talk, laugh, and I wonder what that’s like. It wasn’t like this for me on the mainland. I had friends. What happened?

 

I got sober. It became harder to relate. The friends I had, mostly, still drank. My crowd shrank. It had been shrinking anyway, as my ability to control my drinking got out of hand. When I left the mainland, I had one friend left who I still spent time with, someone I could be myself with. She is my best friend. We will always be friends, no matter what.

 

Why can’t I make friends? I have such a hard time trusting people. I am always let down. God never lets me down. But it sure gets lonely down here. I really love the beautiful people who follow my blog and those I follow. I love my family and friends on Facebook. But my life is lonely.

Autobiography and Published Works of Violet Yates

hawaiianviolet

Just a short bio:

A love of the English language was fostered in Violet Yates at a young age. Since the time she could first read, books were an escape to a world full of fantasy and imagination, where horses became unicorns and wings, where tornadoes picked up houses and little girls and they somehow landed in an emerald city. Having grown up in Hawaii, there was quite a bit of Hawaiian legend to be told to little Violet, as well as Chinese stories of girls and boys being born from peaches and growing from trees. She wrote her first story at age 8 and sent it into Highlights magazine, who sadly rejected it. But that did not stop her. Throughout Violet’s life, she worked at perfecting her writing, striving to achieve straight A’s in school.
While in New York in her 30’s, Her love of words led her to…

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Loss & Renewal

My sister passed away in August 2012 and I went through a great deal because of that and had some trauma happen in my life as well. I’m now recovering, slowly. Losing my sister was unlike any other death I had ever experienced; she was only 18 months older than me and we had shared a closeness that was similar to being twins in our childhood. We were both survivors of abuse at the hands of men, but she seemed to draw inwards whereas I sought help. I will always wonder what could have been if she had reached out a hand for help. I believe she would have flourished. But living with regrets and in the past is not living at all. I have learned that in the last year and a half.
I became very ill after my sister died. I found out I had a large ovarian cyst and almost a year ago went in to have surgery to have it removed. Unbeknownst to me, my doctor called in a general surgeon to remove scar tissue as well. I bled for 7 months straight after the surgery and was very weak, bedridden. The doctor who performed my surgery cut me off, severing our doctor patient relationship after I had called, concerned about the bleeding. I had to move and my car died. I had to wait for months before being able to see another doctor who could help me and by then the bleeding had stopped. I just wanted to know why I had been so sick and bleeding. The answer I received was that I had lost a lot of weight and it had thrown my system and hormones off. That may be the case but it seems odd that it happened to coincide with the surgery. At any rate, I am finally feeling better.
I have recently started to write poetry again and it makes it easier to cope with my emotions about the loss of my sister, being away from my daughter and the trauma I experienced just after my sister died. Some days are still hard and I deal with them as they come. I am still sober and thank God for this. I had always been worried about how I would cope with a death in the family being sober. I found out that while I didn’t cope all that well, I did it sober and that was the most important thing.

For Trinity

Bright shining star way up in the sky
Here in my heart you do occupy
Thinking about you always makes me beam
All the time you visit me when I dream
We have such great adventures, you & I
I awake and this distance I do defy
I do not know what the future will bring
But you should know your momma thinks you’re amazing ❤

Autobiography and Published Works of Violet Yates

Just a short bio:

A love of the English language was fostered in Violet Yates at a young age. Since the time she could first read, books were an escape to a world full of fantasy and imagination, where horses became unicorns and wings, where tornadoes picked up houses and little girls and they somehow landed in an emerald city. Having grown up in Hawaii, there was quite a bit of Hawaiian legend to be told to little Violet, as well as Chinese stories of girls and boys being born from peaches and growing from trees. She wrote her first story at age 8 and sent it into Highlights magazine, who sadly rejected it. But that did not stop her. Throughout Violet’s life, she worked at perfecting her writing, striving to achieve straight A’s in school.
While in New York in her 30’s, Her love of words led her to seek a Bachelor’s degree in English, and during those years she wrote a novel, a novella and several short stories. She went on to obtain a Master’s degree in Higher Education Administration.
Violet loves to read, write, watch movies, listen to music and dream. She considers the Bible to be the best book ever written.
Violet has three children,a 23 year old son who is strong and wise, a 22 year old son who is handsome and makes her so proud, and a beautiful 13 year old daughter who takes after her mother a great deal.
Currently Violet lives in on the Kona Coast in Hawaii.

Link to my Published by Violet Yates Facebook Page, for information & updates on my books: www.facebook.com/publishedbyvioletyates

A link to my novella, Leaves of the Fall: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/62456

A link to my short story collection, A Violet Fancy: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/79143

Two short stories, Forgotten Forest of the Innocent & Learning to Drive: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/61075 & http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/62820

My autobiography, Leaves of the Fall: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/64041

All are only 99 cents, which is a great deal, plus you get to sample free. They are also only 99 cents on the sites listed below and easily searchable.

My short story collection is available in paperback here: http://www.amazon.com/Violet-Fancy-Short-Story-Collection/dp/1463799918/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397221235&sr=8-1&keywords=violet+yates

Falling into the Lord’s Hands is available in paperback here: http://www.amazon.com/Falling-into-Lords-Hands-Addiction/dp/1466244372/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1397221235&sr=8-4&keywords=violet+yates

My books are available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, Kobo, Diesel, Page Foundry, Baker & Taylor (only via Blio right now), Flipkart, Oyster & Scribd. Baker & Taylor Axis 360-will be shipped soon. My books have the capability to be purchased by via Library Direct so that they would be accessible at libraries. If you have questions regarding the sites that I don’t have links for, I don’t currently know much about them but I will find out what I can if you need to know. All but Amazon are distributed through Smashwords.

Thanks! Have an awesome weekend! 🙂 ❤ 😀

 

I am not Anon

I may shift to posting non-poetry to another blog, because I am not anonymous here. I still need to vent away from social media and it has come to my attention that a person was viewing my Facebook profile last year when I never dreamed she’d have access to it, it being private. It has occurred to me that she could easily read what I post here, because my name is on this blog, and I’m not going to change that because my books are linked here.

It is quite sad, however, I feel a bit violated, as my Facebook is and was private and must have been accessed through a ‘friend’s’ account. This is really a hard point because I must weigh how much to share on my blog at all times against what is too much. I stopped sharing anything personal at all on Facebook a long time ago because things always had a way of getting back to me, or I’d see others posting comments that I’d take personally such as, “Too much drama, people should stop whining on Facebook and go see a therapist.” Hence, I blog. I usually stick to poetry, however, because it allows me to vent without giving too much information about me away. This sort of thing is why. Anyone can enter my name and Hawaii into a search engine and find me here.

All I wish to say about this person is I wish her luck and don’t jump to conclusions. Just because you read what you did, it didn’t mean what you thought it meant.  I have empathy. If you want to, you can talk to me. I can keep a confidence.

I will continue to post poetry. 🙂

Review of Noah (2014)

I liked it. It wasn’t your typical ‘Christian’ movie where everything is predictable, but if you compare scripture with the second coming and our times, it is similar re: the violence of our times compared to the violence in the movie. Our world is full of violence, war, rape, murder. It was like that in a few scenes. I believe the reason Christians and christian filmmakers didn’t approve is because Christian films have expectations: no or minimal violence, even Christians portraying ‘bad guys’ are expected to only go so far, and the ending is happy (ie, someone is saved, the team wins, a marriage is saved, etc). In real life, these days, often those things don’t happen, but when they do, they are miracles. What we call God is called the Creator in the movie. There is a lot of symbolism relating to original sin, the garden, temptation, good vs. evil and who is really capable of sin (all of us). The creation story is told. There are fallen angels in the story called “The Watchers.” There is temptation and sin within the ‘innocent,’ like the garden of Eden. At one point in the movie, there is a scene similar to Abraham and Isaac on the mountain- a test of Noah… There is also hope and the ending is full of that. Although the producer took a lot of artistic license, he made a really beautiful movie, and if one can look beyond the violence, they can see what it is really about: hope for a new beginning.