All the Confusion Fades

I feel like I had fortune on my side this weekend. Everything that happened seemed to happen for a reason and all of it was good. Last week I was feeling so awful about everything in my life, lonely, sad, missing him… I changed my phone number, adjusted my expectations and direction in my life, stopped saying, “No, I can’t,” and my how things worked out.

As most of you know, I’ve got a daughter in Upstate New York whom I haven’t seen in 2.5 years. I miss her dearly and have been trying to figure out how to go about getting there. The fact that it is nearly impossible to save money has hindered me in this endeavor. I’ve been feeling like I’m losing ground with her and need to just get there. There are also several other reasons for going, the top being that I don’t see myself having a successful career here, I want to broaden my horizons further by possibly studying linguistics in the future, and I also want to eventually travel. Sure, I could travel from Hawaii, but not if the career doesn’t pan out first. I was researching linguistics the other day and really found myself intrigued by it- I’ve always been fascinated with words (hence the English degree) and the way they came about, come to be pronounced, their sounds and the feelings that they invoke, are all very exciting to me. This topic is very intellectually stimulating to me. I do consider myself an intellectual.

After the heartache of last week, I just said screw it and began listing my belongings on Craigslist. I’ve already sold a couple things. I know this will be a slow process, but I have faith. I suppose that was all that I was lacking. I know that it will not be easy, but I will get there, I will have my daughter in my life, good career, etc. I want more than this little island can offer. I have so many memories of the places I’ve been to and I want to see them again as I am now. There is so much beauty in existence in this world and we should not seek to limit ourselves to one place necessarily.

Then he contacted me and we talked about what happened, why things were said the way they were said… I knew he was scared so it was no surprise to hear him say it. I’ve been through a divorce and so has he so it’s only natural to be hesitant about allowing someone in. I’m vulnerable in that regard as well. It was truly elating to hear from him, to have him speak his mind and to spend a couple days with him. Yes I love him, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. I care about him and do not want to push him away or make him feel his independence is threatened. We have such a wonderful time with each other, it’s like two souls meeting after being lost for many years. I find myself constantly stimulated around him, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well as in other ways. He makes me feel safe and happy. That is all.

I am still moving forward with my plans to move. I have to put my daughter first. I will not continue to make excuses as to why I cannot go. I must go. I will always love him, however.

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