Out of the Sun

I have lived for 1400 years

Healed many with my tears

Survived trial by fire

Even your ire

I don’t live a life of hate, I love unconditionally

My love is eternal, out of the ashes I rise

I do not die.

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Don’t Ever Wanna Miss You

Still can hardly endeavor to believe
You’re right here beside me
Smilin and holding me close
I wanna fold you into forever

Dreamt of you through my tears
All those years
Something about you
Heals what’s broken in me

No longer standing still
I love and I feel
You and me, we are real
Don’t ever wanna miss you…

Stay

Unspoken words hang still in the air

The breath catches in my throat

Life, it seems, is never fair

Like a silent movie, it plays out til the bitter end

Regardless of dreams, wishes and cares

 

Emotions broil near the surface

Time… running into turmoil

Why is life such a complicated mess?

Can’t we just hold each other into the night?

 

I just love you and Love is worth the fight

I want you to stay and never take flight

Love me, my soul, all in due time

We are worth the climb.

Disappearing Act, Redux

“…This whole rubber band theory that is played out in the beginning of relationships? Well, it sucks, guys. When a guy disappears and barely calls, it takes all those wonderful moments you’ve shared and puts them in the BIG question box. Understand- we know you want to keep part of your independence and are probably feeling a bit scared, possibly don’t know if you want to jump into something that can hurt you, most likely you aren’t ‘in touch’ with your feelings or don’t like sharing them because guys generally aren’t touchy-feely like that.
But you hurt others when you pull these disappearing acts- particularly the woman you’ve been seeing. Sometimes her neighbors and friends, if you’ve done your job…
Also, if you keep disappearing and reappearing, you may just break that darned rubber band.

This is my current status message on Facebook. This summer has been one of the most confusing since I have begun dating. It has also been one of the most love-filled. I suppose that is why I haven’t thrown in the towel thus far. But come on. I have spent way more time alone, wondering what the hell is going on, than with him. Sure, those times are awesome, fill me with such wonder for the way of the world and I wouldn’t go back and change them. Like I have said previously, I would rather love and lose than never love at all. But these disappearing acts? They’re getting old.

This time, he has not done so without a reason, and for that, I am happy. But he could call. If he cared, you would think he would. But he doesn’t always do so. It is as if he truly holds a repugnance for the telephone and all its ways. I finally caved and called him after not hearing from him (with the exception of two text messages, one oddly worded) and he did answer. But he ought to call me. I’m not super old-fashioned. But that should be a given. It’s already known to me that men like to be the initiators. So when he doesn’t call, I feel pathetic initiating. I’m not going to do it again.

I understand why he can’t come to see me. But like I said, he could call if he cared. If he’s feeling that worried, scared or whatever and wants to, as he calls it, ‘run away,’ then do it, but at least have the class to tell me so I am not wondering what the heck happened. Particularly when the last time we were together, everything seemed fine, in fact, you were more affectionate than usual, caressing my face, speaking of love, saying how much you ‘like’ me- I could see love in your eyes. Tell me you just turn it off. If so, tell me how you do it because I’d really like to do that right about now.

For my poetry enthusiasts, sorry I have not been posting poems, I’ve been in a place of some inner turmoil, but not quite ready to explore it yet. I did write this today, however:

Leapt across time

Braved a few storms

Protested, rejected, loved, hurt

Loved, oh yes, in many forms

You, oh yes you, mine?

We said hello, goodbye

Miss you, majestically grand, lofty dreams

Now I sit alone & Sigh

Slow song feelin sad staring high

Why you never call?

Disappear, reappear, love me more

Tell me what

What you got in store

I see you and I forget

the hurt

The Hurt from before

Life Advice 3.0

I am sure that none of this is original, yet I have been thinking a lot about life and love lately, and although its been a struggle, I am in love and experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. My boyfriend is terrified of love because of the past. Because of that he refuses to admit what is so obvious to me, that he is falling in love with me just as I am with him. I can see it in his eyes, his actions both when he is with me and when he is not. Even his pulling away is indicative of someone who is falling hard and afraid to let go and enjoy it in all its ways. I was writing in my private journal about this very thing a short while ago, venting on my frustrations regarding his lack of contact while he is away from me while listening to Avril Lavigne’s “When You’re Gone,” when I began to think of the ways in which this oddball relationship has changed me. You see, I was once like him: so afraid to love that I refused to allow anyone in all the way- indeed for many years after my ex-husband and I split up, I broke a few hearts. I would meet someone, sort of like them but terribly unsure. Within weeks or maybe a couple months max, I would have found so many things I disliked about them that I had multiple reasons to break things off with them. But the truth was, they weren’t my ex-husband and so I deliberately sabotaged myself by looking for men who had glaring flaws to begin with. Or, I would outright turn down men who could make the grade, because a few times when I did not, I wound up breaking their hearts. They just weren’t him, either.

So now, many anguishing years later, I have come up with a dozen sayings that I truly believe in. Some I’ve heard, some are very wide-spread, one my ex-husband said to me once, and some I am just fond of. I have found true beauty in the world since recovery.

If you love someone, show them.

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

Don’t let your loved one pay for another’s mistake.

Live in the moment and cherish it.

You’re not really living if you live in the past.

We are not meant to be alone.

Don’t expect someone to save you, only to hold your hand.

Be child-like in your appreciation of the world.

Don’t be afraid to fall in love.

Love yourself.

Dance in the rain.

Remember that beauty exists everywhere.

 

The Hunt

In a state of ecstacy
I succumb to your will
Oh you’ve taken a hold of me
Beguile me all the while
Dip your fingers, soft as a petal-sweet pomegranate

Chorus
I’ve fallen, my love, oh lover you make me weak
And it’s your body on fire I do seek
Your heart, oh baby, your heart I already keep

The pleasure so surreal you ignite me
Like a lusty stag on the hunt
Your horns taut and ready
Alert you catch my scent
I cry out like a doe falling
Youthful vigor, invites, incites
Piercing like a sharp steel blade
How our love was made

Chorus

I’ve fallen, my love, oh lover you make me weak
And it’s your body on fire I do seek
Your heart baby, oh baby, your heart I already keep

Clutching your shoulders I die a little death
I cry out, beseeching, love me, my soul
For you, I am speechless, I lose my breath
I have never felt so whole
Undulating, whispers, spoken yesteryear
Your love I will not forego
Motivates me, create, my muse you make
Trailing stars erupting with magma in the magenta sky

Chorus

I’ve fallen, my love, oh lover you make me weak
And it’s your body on fire I do seek
Your heart baby, oh baby, your heart I already keep

I’ve fallen… on fire… oh oh ohhh…

A Butterfly Transformed

You can speak in ten thousand rhymes

Say he’s no good for me

But you don’t know him

No matter how I plea

You won’t open your eyes and see

How it is with him and me

 

As the sun and sky meet the mighty sea

A loft upon clouds of majesty

He holds off the night’s storm

Wow you see why I was torn?

 

All I ever was

Turned upside down

In his warm gaze, thaws…

There’s no chill here

No cold embrace

 

Just love when In doubt

A laugh and a shout

Turning me about

Read it out loud.

 

I am beautiful, I am formed

Like a butterfly transformed.

Waxing poetic in the rain

I will never be the same.

This heady feeling does complete me

I don’t care if it isn’t seemly.

Benevolence

You touched my soul
Held me in your arms
It was my heart you stole

Cherish every moment
The magic in a kiss
The truth is chosen
But do we exist?

Dancing close to the fire
Happiness so easy to obtain
Elevate us higher
True love is so noble

Was that not your goal?
To relieve discontent?
Providing meaning to the answers
Show a spoken desire…

We were one, together
We are love, forever
Time has no relevance
We touch and perceive benevolence
Elegance…

All the Confusion Fades

I feel like I had fortune on my side this weekend. Everything that happened seemed to happen for a reason and all of it was good. Last week I was feeling so awful about everything in my life, lonely, sad, missing him… I changed my phone number, adjusted my expectations and direction in my life, stopped saying, “No, I can’t,” and my how things worked out.

As most of you know, I’ve got a daughter in Upstate New York whom I haven’t seen in 2.5 years. I miss her dearly and have been trying to figure out how to go about getting there. The fact that it is nearly impossible to save money has hindered me in this endeavor. I’ve been feeling like I’m losing ground with her and need to just get there. There are also several other reasons for going, the top being that I don’t see myself having a successful career here, I want to broaden my horizons further by possibly studying linguistics in the future, and I also want to eventually travel. Sure, I could travel from Hawaii, but not if the career doesn’t pan out first. I was researching linguistics the other day and really found myself intrigued by it- I’ve always been fascinated with words (hence the English degree) and the way they came about, come to be pronounced, their sounds and the feelings that they invoke, are all very exciting to me. This topic is very intellectually stimulating to me. I do consider myself an intellectual.

After the heartache of last week, I just said screw it and began listing my belongings on Craigslist. I’ve already sold a couple things. I know this will be a slow process, but I have faith. I suppose that was all that I was lacking. I know that it will not be easy, but I will get there, I will have my daughter in my life, good career, etc. I want more than this little island can offer. I have so many memories of the places I’ve been to and I want to see them again as I am now. There is so much beauty in existence in this world and we should not seek to limit ourselves to one place necessarily.

Then he contacted me and we talked about what happened, why things were said the way they were said… I knew he was scared so it was no surprise to hear him say it. I’ve been through a divorce and so has he so it’s only natural to be hesitant about allowing someone in. I’m vulnerable in that regard as well. It was truly elating to hear from him, to have him speak his mind and to spend a couple days with him. Yes I love him, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. I care about him and do not want to push him away or make him feel his independence is threatened. We have such a wonderful time with each other, it’s like two souls meeting after being lost for many years. I find myself constantly stimulated around him, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well as in other ways. He makes me feel safe and happy. That is all.

I am still moving forward with my plans to move. I have to put my daughter first. I will not continue to make excuses as to why I cannot go. I must go. I will always love him, however.

I hate you Desire

My heart is completely crushed. This I’ll likely not mend from easily, not like last time. I can’t focus. If I slow down, I’ll think about him and the lies he has told, the things he has done, over the years. I’ve been cleaning my apartment like a madwoman, throwing so much crap away- an attempt to shed myself of the past by ridding myself of material rubbish. I feel so much emptiness inside. I spent half of Monday putting away items from decades ago that just don’t fit on my bookshelf, clearing dust. Yesterday, after going three days on six hours of sleep, I changed my phone number. I couldn’t deal with the bullshit. He had told me Sunday he didn’t want to be with me, that he did not love me even though he told me on three separate occasions that he did and that I should forget him. He then proceeded to call within an hour of my going to sleep to ‘remind me’ that he didn’t love me, that he didn’t want me to call, that he would not listen to my messages and would simply delete my voicemails, then ramble on about how he ‘likes me, but doesn’t love me,’ to say ‘hi’ to my family, no wait, don’t. Then, “Maybe I’ll ‘check you out’ in a couple years” & “I hope you’ll do alright.”

I admit I became very upset when he began to push me away right after he told me he loved me, right after we had (I thought??) decided to be a couple. We started seeing each other only about six weeks ago, but I’ve known him for many years and I’ve seen him in the past. The first night we were together, I wasn’t sure about continuing to see him, but he persisted in calling and asking to come over so I relented and then he got into my heart. I did the whole pulling away thing first- but I wasn’t mean or cruel about it when he called wanting to know why I hadn’t called!

The night we decided to be together was my birthday, after a week of almost no contact. He had called earlier in the week and told me he wasn’t blowing me off, don’t worry and that he loved me. Then no calls, shows up on my birthday, we talked about what we were doing and I told him I didn’t want to get too serious but didn’t want just a fling either. He agreed. My birthday was great.

Then I don’t get a call at all for over a week, only one text to say he was thinking about me a couple days later, then I sent him a text because I was upset about the actions of an ex that I could not do anything about, and he breaks it off in a text, then the next day calls me and tells me very harshly that he does not love me, we’re not a couple, not to go looking for ‘love’ from him because I won’t find it. I do not even want to repeat his exact words because they hurt so much. He then calls back an hour later and apologizes for the way he acted and I hung up. I then began to have the worst panic attack I’ve ever had and thought I was having a stroke. I couldn’t barely speak or dial my phone; my words were coming out wrong. I sent him a text via speech to text and it came out jumbled. He called me and yelled at me before I could tell him that I thought there was something wrong with me. When I told him that I thought I had a stroke he acted like he couldn’t be bothered. Fortunately for me it wasn’t!

How could someone be so hot and then so cold? I’ve read all about how men pull away because they’re afraid they’ll ‘lose’ their independence and ability to hang with the guys, go fishing, do what they want basically. There is a website where you can go and read all about this. This guy actually counsels women on how not to be needy. Okay. Question. How is it ‘needy’ to want to know what the $&%^ is happening in your relationship? Are you supposed to be a mind reader? You mean to tell me that every woman who has a guy pull away is supposed to sit patiently at home while these guys get their heads on straight? How the flip is that fair? What about when we get scared? What happened to communicating? Shouldn’t you advocate communication with a potential partner over head games? It is extremely hurtful and upsetting not knowing where I stand with someone I love, calling them and having it go to voicemail, sending a text and not hearing back from them. Sure, it is great when they do reply. But you’ve got guys thinking it’s okay to dictate dating etiquette. No, it’s really NOT okay to keep a woman waiting. She has her own life to live, there could be that great guy who really will love her around the corner and you may just be hanging her up because of your selfish indecision!

Don’t get me wrong, I have done no contact before. I stopped talking to this same guy for months. Then I called him again and he was very happy to talk to me, or so I thought. I hate hurting people. I’d rather be honest and tell them that I do not know how I feel and they shouldn’t wait rather than tell them that I love them when I don’t know how I feel. I try to put myself in the others person’s shoes whenever possible.

Am I the easiest person to get along with? No. When someone hurts me, my first response is to lash out. I am human. Second is to cry.

Right now, I ache. This hurts. It is not what I planned on doing for my summer. As I was cleaning my living room yesterday, I had a rather large number of empty boxes stacked up on my couch. It almost looked like I was getting ready to move. I wish. I suppose the best thing would be to remove myself from this island at this point. I really miss Trinity. 😦 I kept thinking how easy it would be at that point to just pack up everything I’d just sorted… I can dream!

The thing I’m most upset about right now is, even after everything he’s said and done that has hurt me, I still desire him above all else. I hate you, desire!