What a Life to be Had

Trying so hard to figure you out

Filled with all kinds of insecurity and doubt

Don’t you know you’re all, you’re it, my world

You’re my muse, my everything, poetry unfurled

Love like nothing ever sung

Like no award ever hung

Writing in indigo

You stand so tall to me, a love I would never forgo

I’m feeling so poorly, I often can’t breathe,

I didn’t want you to worry, but why do I feel as if you seethe?

Seek me, find me, all I ask.

Are you up for the task?

My heart, it feels broken, like a stone weighted down,

Drowning in the depths of a deep ocean sound.

Distance too far to measure, I can’t swim so I sink,

I can’t sprout wings, I feel as if I’m on the brink.

I feel this deep shooting pain, oh what a cost!

Coughing, I cry out for a life that was lost.

See you, I must, as I foresee my demise.

‘No forwarded address, deceased, please advise.’

She died alone, poor woman, so sad.

We’d see her crying often, alone, what a life to be had.

 

 

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Hanging on Your Every Word

So much pain I can hardly stand

How can I explain?

None of this was planned.

I feel small,

Ungrounded,

My body left earth and I felt I would fall.

Into an abyss

An endless chasm.

Easily dismissed.

Shattered, tears flow like a river,

Grasping, gasping for air,

I cannot stir.

Wounded, I attempt to climb,

Every word a rebuff,

Every second of silence a reminder of time,

“I love you, I want you to know,”

Efforts discounted.

How can we grow?

Breath is slight, I feel vertigo.

No matter this distance,

J’adore, j’taime.

Forever.

 

TrinasFairy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Loneliest Person in the World

With all the ways to communicate in this world, I am the loneliest person in the world. As I sit here listening to a beautiful version of John Legend’s All of Me with Lindsey Stirling, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwsYvBYZcx4, my heart feels broken. The violin pulls at my heartstrings and tugs tears from my eyes. I never envisioned my life to wind up like this. I always imagined I’d have a happy ending. College, career, love, marriage, kids… I never thought I’d end up a 42 year old divorcee living alone after my sons became adults, having to live away from my daughter during the most important years of her life.
In this world, we have Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Google+, Blogs, cellphones, texting. All designed to stay in touch with the people who are important to us, and to meet people with similar interests to us. I do appreciate that they are there. But the one person I want to stay in touch with? Well, it doesn’t matter that I have all of those, because the distance between us is more than miles. It is time, and time cannot be undone. I left. My health made it necessary. I never thought that would drive a wedge between us, between a daughter and her mom. But it has. And I grieve.

 

I have been the most unlucky in love. Over and over again, I have chosen the wrong people. I have failed in relationships or they have let me down. The world has beat me down. I have searched the world over, it seems, for someone I can love… looked high and low. The only one I ever really loved, the only person I gave my whole heart and soul to, the only one I gave the world to, was the worst person in the world for my heart. I always wanted to believe in a soul mate, but I do not any longer. There is no such thing. I don’t believe in fairy tales. There is no ‘prince charming.’ If there ever was, the world ruined him long before I ever got there.

 

I live in isolation. I no longer live in fear, most of the time, but it has taken a toll in my life, in that I don’t have any friends locally. I haven’t made friends with my neighbors, not really. I am really eccentric. The friends I knew back when I was young have long disappeared, like ghosts in the wind. I am the loneliest person in the world. I see other people interact, talk, laugh, and I wonder what that’s like. It wasn’t like this for me on the mainland. I had friends. What happened?

 

I got sober. It became harder to relate. The friends I had, mostly, still drank. My crowd shrank. It had been shrinking anyway, as my ability to control my drinking got out of hand. When I left the mainland, I had one friend left who I still spent time with, someone I could be myself with. She is my best friend. We will always be friends, no matter what.

 

Why can’t I make friends? I have such a hard time trusting people. I am always let down. God never lets me down. But it sure gets lonely down here. I really love the beautiful people who follow my blog and those I follow. I love my family and friends on Facebook. But my life is lonely.

For Trinity

Bright shining star way up in the sky
Here in my heart you do occupy
Thinking about you always makes me beam
All the time you visit me when I dream
We have such great adventures, you & I
I awake and this distance I do defy
I do not know what the future will bring
But you should know your momma thinks you’re amazing ❤