With all the ways to communicate in this world, I am the loneliest person in the world. As I sit here listening to a beautiful version of John Legend’s All of Me with Lindsey Stirling, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwsYvBYZcx4, my heart feels broken. The violin pulls at my heartstrings and tugs tears from my eyes. I never envisioned my life to wind up like this. I always imagined I’d have a happy ending. College, career, love, marriage, kids… I never thought I’d end up a 42 year old divorcee living alone after my sons became adults, having to live away from my daughter during the most important years of her life.
In this world, we have Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Google+, Blogs, cellphones, texting. All designed to stay in touch with the people who are important to us, and to meet people with similar interests to us. I do appreciate that they are there. But the one person I want to stay in touch with? Well, it doesn’t matter that I have all of those, because the distance between us is more than miles. It is time, and time cannot be undone. I left. My health made it necessary. I never thought that would drive a wedge between us, between a daughter and her mom. But it has. And I grieve.
I have been the most unlucky in love. Over and over again, I have chosen the wrong people. I have failed in relationships or they have let me down. The world has beat me down. I have searched the world over, it seems, for someone I can love… looked high and low. The only one I ever really loved, the only person I gave my whole heart and soul to, the only one I gave the world to, was the worst person in the world for my heart. I always wanted to believe in a soul mate, but I do not any longer. There is no such thing. I don’t believe in fairy tales. There is no ‘prince charming.’ If there ever was, the world ruined him long before I ever got there.
I live in isolation. I no longer live in fear, most of the time, but it has taken a toll in my life, in that I don’t have any friends locally. I haven’t made friends with my neighbors, not really. I am really eccentric. The friends I knew back when I was young have long disappeared, like ghosts in the wind. I am the loneliest person in the world. I see other people interact, talk, laugh, and I wonder what that’s like. It wasn’t like this for me on the mainland. I had friends. What happened?
I got sober. It became harder to relate. The friends I had, mostly, still drank. My crowd shrank. It had been shrinking anyway, as my ability to control my drinking got out of hand. When I left the mainland, I had one friend left who I still spent time with, someone I could be myself with. She is my best friend. We will always be friends, no matter what.
Why can’t I make friends? I have such a hard time trusting people. I am always let down. God never lets me down. But it sure gets lonely down here. I really love the beautiful people who follow my blog and those I follow. I love my family and friends on Facebook. But my life is lonely.