Seizure

I’ve been dancing forever
Spinning, spinning in circles
My mind turning, churning
Drawn ever closer to the flame, the fire burning ever more bright
Can’t you see, see the light
It’s heavy, heady in my eye
But I, I only got one night
I want to slow down, this ride, it just won’t end
I’m going to puke, pull over at the bend
Strobe lights flashing, ebbing flow
Yellow haze, blackness, people go
I awake later in a daze
Back to normal but in a fright.

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Life Advice 3.0

I am sure that none of this is original, yet I have been thinking a lot about life and love lately, and although its been a struggle, I am in love and experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. My boyfriend is terrified of love because of the past. Because of that he refuses to admit what is so obvious to me, that he is falling in love with me just as I am with him. I can see it in his eyes, his actions both when he is with me and when he is not. Even his pulling away is indicative of someone who is falling hard and afraid to let go and enjoy it in all its ways. I was writing in my private journal about this very thing a short while ago, venting on my frustrations regarding his lack of contact while he is away from me while listening to Avril Lavigne’s “When You’re Gone,” when I began to think of the ways in which this oddball relationship has changed me. You see, I was once like him: so afraid to love that I refused to allow anyone in all the way- indeed for many years after my ex-husband and I split up, I broke a few hearts. I would meet someone, sort of like them but terribly unsure. Within weeks or maybe a couple months max, I would have found so many things I disliked about them that I had multiple reasons to break things off with them. But the truth was, they weren’t my ex-husband and so I deliberately sabotaged myself by looking for men who had glaring flaws to begin with. Or, I would outright turn down men who could make the grade, because a few times when I did not, I wound up breaking their hearts. They just weren’t him, either.

So now, many anguishing years later, I have come up with a dozen sayings that I truly believe in. Some I’ve heard, some are very wide-spread, one my ex-husband said to me once, and some I am just fond of. I have found true beauty in the world since recovery.

If you love someone, show them.

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

Don’t let your loved one pay for another’s mistake.

Live in the moment and cherish it.

You’re not really living if you live in the past.

We are not meant to be alone.

Don’t expect someone to save you, only to hold your hand.

Be child-like in your appreciation of the world.

Don’t be afraid to fall in love.

Love yourself.

Dance in the rain.

Remember that beauty exists everywhere.

 

I hate you Desire

My heart is completely crushed. This I’ll likely not mend from easily, not like last time. I can’t focus. If I slow down, I’ll think about him and the lies he has told, the things he has done, over the years. I’ve been cleaning my apartment like a madwoman, throwing so much crap away- an attempt to shed myself of the past by ridding myself of material rubbish. I feel so much emptiness inside. I spent half of Monday putting away items from decades ago that just don’t fit on my bookshelf, clearing dust. Yesterday, after going three days on six hours of sleep, I changed my phone number. I couldn’t deal with the bullshit. He had told me Sunday he didn’t want to be with me, that he did not love me even though he told me on three separate occasions that he did and that I should forget him. He then proceeded to call within an hour of my going to sleep to ‘remind me’ that he didn’t love me, that he didn’t want me to call, that he would not listen to my messages and would simply delete my voicemails, then ramble on about how he ‘likes me, but doesn’t love me,’ to say ‘hi’ to my family, no wait, don’t. Then, “Maybe I’ll ‘check you out’ in a couple years” & “I hope you’ll do alright.”

I admit I became very upset when he began to push me away right after he told me he loved me, right after we had (I thought??) decided to be a couple. We started seeing each other only about six weeks ago, but I’ve known him for many years and I’ve seen him in the past. The first night we were together, I wasn’t sure about continuing to see him, but he persisted in calling and asking to come over so I relented and then he got into my heart. I did the whole pulling away thing first- but I wasn’t mean or cruel about it when he called wanting to know why I hadn’t called!

The night we decided to be together was my birthday, after a week of almost no contact. He had called earlier in the week and told me he wasn’t blowing me off, don’t worry and that he loved me. Then no calls, shows up on my birthday, we talked about what we were doing and I told him I didn’t want to get too serious but didn’t want just a fling either. He agreed. My birthday was great.

Then I don’t get a call at all for over a week, only one text to say he was thinking about me a couple days later, then I sent him a text because I was upset about the actions of an ex that I could not do anything about, and he breaks it off in a text, then the next day calls me and tells me very harshly that he does not love me, we’re not a couple, not to go looking for ‘love’ from him because I won’t find it. I do not even want to repeat his exact words because they hurt so much. He then calls back an hour later and apologizes for the way he acted and I hung up. I then began to have the worst panic attack I’ve ever had and thought I was having a stroke. I couldn’t barely speak or dial my phone; my words were coming out wrong. I sent him a text via speech to text and it came out jumbled. He called me and yelled at me before I could tell him that I thought there was something wrong with me. When I told him that I thought I had a stroke he acted like he couldn’t be bothered. Fortunately for me it wasn’t!

How could someone be so hot and then so cold? I’ve read all about how men pull away because they’re afraid they’ll ‘lose’ their independence and ability to hang with the guys, go fishing, do what they want basically. There is a website where you can go and read all about this. This guy actually counsels women on how not to be needy. Okay. Question. How is it ‘needy’ to want to know what the $&%^ is happening in your relationship? Are you supposed to be a mind reader? You mean to tell me that every woman who has a guy pull away is supposed to sit patiently at home while these guys get their heads on straight? How the flip is that fair? What about when we get scared? What happened to communicating? Shouldn’t you advocate communication with a potential partner over head games? It is extremely hurtful and upsetting not knowing where I stand with someone I love, calling them and having it go to voicemail, sending a text and not hearing back from them. Sure, it is great when they do reply. But you’ve got guys thinking it’s okay to dictate dating etiquette. No, it’s really NOT okay to keep a woman waiting. She has her own life to live, there could be that great guy who really will love her around the corner and you may just be hanging her up because of your selfish indecision!

Don’t get me wrong, I have done no contact before. I stopped talking to this same guy for months. Then I called him again and he was very happy to talk to me, or so I thought. I hate hurting people. I’d rather be honest and tell them that I do not know how I feel and they shouldn’t wait rather than tell them that I love them when I don’t know how I feel. I try to put myself in the others person’s shoes whenever possible.

Am I the easiest person to get along with? No. When someone hurts me, my first response is to lash out. I am human. Second is to cry.

Right now, I ache. This hurts. It is not what I planned on doing for my summer. As I was cleaning my living room yesterday, I had a rather large number of empty boxes stacked up on my couch. It almost looked like I was getting ready to move. I wish. I suppose the best thing would be to remove myself from this island at this point. I really miss Trinity. 😦 I kept thinking how easy it would be at that point to just pack up everything I’d just sorted… I can dream!

The thing I’m most upset about right now is, even after everything he’s said and done that has hurt me, I still desire him above all else. I hate you, desire!

Domestic Violence

SAD

Too many disappointments have been reaped from a sorrow-filled life…

Too many tears I have shed, for a man who called me his wife.

Often I wonder what all this is for,

Why is this load so heavy to bear?

Why am I trying so hard?

It doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Although I have come a long way,

From the misery of before,

Still I have to wonder,

What am I here for?

 

PLEASE UNDERSTAND

Please understand:

It wasn’t just the bruises that hurt.

It was the shame,

It was and is the names.

I was sinking,

Still do sometimes…

So low.

I feel I cannot live carrying this knowledge… must relieve it, but…

I don’t know how…

I sink…

I cry, give my soul to all the world.

Few can understand my plight.

Or could back then, either…

No one can fathom…

My psychology…

How helpless I felt .

I could not emotionally survive without him…

I could not save myself…

I turned on myself…

Blamed myself.

Excused him…

At times, how I loved him! Oh it was higher than the sky!

How I hated him, at others…

Then, confusion…

Then,

Vengeful…

Most of all,

Feeling, once more,

self-blame,

at the same time,

as Hate.

A cycle.

 

The Crack in My Heart

Ever Since I heard those words
You were Gone,
there has been a crack in my heart.
We were, too long
too far,
Apart.
Since we were children,
I held your hand,
you were my best friend.
Sharing secrets, clothes,
playing games,
through the fields we wend.
As teens we went different ways…
It often happens,
Yet still love stays.
Ma soeur, la jumelle, la famille,

(My sister, my twin, my family)
Precious is your memory,
Je vous remercie de nous avoir donné le don de vos filles!

* For my sister, Joni, who passed away in August, 2012 at the age of 41. She is greatly missed.

Introducing Jeff Dawson, author of Love’s True Second Chance

I would like to introduce my readers to Jeff Dawson, author of Love’s True Second Chance. He is an author I met via the Meet Our Authors forum on Amazon’s discussion boards.

I spent the last twenty-five years in the road construction industry. I have been married and divorced once with three grown children. I started writing years ago but never took it serious until I had back surgery in 2010. During the recovery process I looked at and analyzed my life. An article in the Dallas Morning News caught my eye about public speaking. “Hey, I can do this. But what would I write?” I reflected over my life and came up with the first work “Why did Everything Happen?” As turbulent as my life has been (bankruptcy, divorce, business failures and the death of my partner, my father and Debbie), there must be others who might benefit and be able to relate to my travels but were afraid to talk about much less write them down.

Loves True Second Chance is a continuation of the first work. I wrote about the woman I had loved for over thirty years. I wanted to let people know that Love is worth a second chance even if there is a possibility of a tragic end. We packed a lifetime of love in seven short months.

I am currently working on two novels One is a paranormal story occurring during WWII. The Germans might have conquered Poland but they have awoken an enemy they could never imagine except in their darkest nightmares; Occupation. The second novel is based on the largest battle in Eastern Europe during WWII which allowed the Normandy landings to be a stunning success.

I currently live in the DFW close to two of my grown children and three wonderful grand-daughters.


Excerpt from Love’s True Second Chance:

CHAPTER 1 THE END

July 20th, 2009 7:00am I held her hand and kissed her face with the arrival of a sunny beautiful morning, hoping for a miracle. The shift change for nurses and doctors was in full swing. Staff checking in, charts being reviewed, doctors and nurses exchanging information; vital signs being verified. Debbie’s breathing is very labored as it had been for the last twenty four hours. I never knew if each breath would be her last. The cancer was running its course through her beautiful body at a terrible pace. An aide came in to change the sheets and clean her up. She asked if I would like her to wash Debbie’s hair. I pondered the thought for a minute looking at the love of my live and replied in a hushed, choked tone, “She would like that. How long will it take you to change her bed and wash her hair?” She said about fifteen minutes. I stepped out of the room and called her friend Cathey to get an estimated time of arrival. She assured me she would be at the hospital within thirty minutes.

Debbie was in good hands with the aide.  I decided to get a little air, purchase a coke and have a cigarette. I went to the store with one thought running through my mind, Is there anything else I can do for her?  Had I done everything I could for the “love of my life”?  Would God sit by her side and let her live out her life on earth or whisper in her ear, take her hand, and guide her to heaven?  I had no control over what was happening to her.

Can The Writer See Me? (via Wordsmith’s Desk)

A very beautiful post I just read. I feel others would be inspired by it. 🙂

I create a character, and the character is me; I write fiction and it's as real as can be; I can't see the writer, Can the writer see me? Writers create from different perspectives, yet the thoughts and penned words reflect, to some degree, the writer's hopes and dreams and experiences. In personal application, I find traces of myself in my writings and poems. I will write a fictional short story to emphasize a point in life and find that there i … Read More

via Wordsmith's Desk