Disappearing Act, Redux

“…This whole rubber band theory that is played out in the beginning of relationships? Well, it sucks, guys. When a guy disappears and barely calls, it takes all those wonderful moments you’ve shared and puts them in the BIG question box. Understand- we know you want to keep part of your independence and are probably feeling a bit scared, possibly don’t know if you want to jump into something that can hurt you, most likely you aren’t ‘in touch’ with your feelings or don’t like sharing them because guys generally aren’t touchy-feely like that.
But you hurt others when you pull these disappearing acts- particularly the woman you’ve been seeing. Sometimes her neighbors and friends, if you’ve done your job…
Also, if you keep disappearing and reappearing, you may just break that darned rubber band.

This is my current status message on Facebook. This summer has been one of the most confusing since I have begun dating. It has also been one of the most love-filled. I suppose that is why I haven’t thrown in the towel thus far. But come on. I have spent way more time alone, wondering what the hell is going on, than with him. Sure, those times are awesome, fill me with such wonder for the way of the world and I wouldn’t go back and change them. Like I have said previously, I would rather love and lose than never love at all. But these disappearing acts? They’re getting old.

This time, he has not done so without a reason, and for that, I am happy. But he could call. If he cared, you would think he would. But he doesn’t always do so. It is as if he truly holds a repugnance for the telephone and all its ways. I finally caved and called him after not hearing from him (with the exception of two text messages, one oddly worded) and he did answer. But he ought to call me. I’m not super old-fashioned. But that should be a given. It’s already known to me that men like to be the initiators. So when he doesn’t call, I feel pathetic initiating. I’m not going to do it again.

I understand why he can’t come to see me. But like I said, he could call if he cared. If he’s feeling that worried, scared or whatever and wants to, as he calls it, ‘run away,’ then do it, but at least have the class to tell me so I am not wondering what the heck happened. Particularly when the last time we were together, everything seemed fine, in fact, you were more affectionate than usual, caressing my face, speaking of love, saying how much you ‘like’ me- I could see love in your eyes. Tell me you just turn it off. If so, tell me how you do it because I’d really like to do that right about now.

For my poetry enthusiasts, sorry I have not been posting poems, I’ve been in a place of some inner turmoil, but not quite ready to explore it yet. I did write this today, however:

Leapt across time

Braved a few storms

Protested, rejected, loved, hurt

Loved, oh yes, in many forms

You, oh yes you, mine?

We said hello, goodbye

Miss you, majestically grand, lofty dreams

Now I sit alone & Sigh

Slow song feelin sad staring high

Why you never call?

Disappear, reappear, love me more

Tell me what

What you got in store

I see you and I forget

the hurt

The Hurt from before

Loneliest Person in the World

With all the ways to communicate in this world, I am the loneliest person in the world. As I sit here listening to a beautiful version of John Legend’s All of Me with Lindsey Stirling, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwsYvBYZcx4, my heart feels broken. The violin pulls at my heartstrings and tugs tears from my eyes. I never envisioned my life to wind up like this. I always imagined I’d have a happy ending. College, career, love, marriage, kids… I never thought I’d end up a 42 year old divorcee living alone after my sons became adults, having to live away from my daughter during the most important years of her life.
In this world, we have Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Google+, Blogs, cellphones, texting. All designed to stay in touch with the people who are important to us, and to meet people with similar interests to us. I do appreciate that they are there. But the one person I want to stay in touch with? Well, it doesn’t matter that I have all of those, because the distance between us is more than miles. It is time, and time cannot be undone. I left. My health made it necessary. I never thought that would drive a wedge between us, between a daughter and her mom. But it has. And I grieve.

 

I have been the most unlucky in love. Over and over again, I have chosen the wrong people. I have failed in relationships or they have let me down. The world has beat me down. I have searched the world over, it seems, for someone I can love… looked high and low. The only one I ever really loved, the only person I gave my whole heart and soul to, the only one I gave the world to, was the worst person in the world for my heart. I always wanted to believe in a soul mate, but I do not any longer. There is no such thing. I don’t believe in fairy tales. There is no ‘prince charming.’ If there ever was, the world ruined him long before I ever got there.

 

I live in isolation. I no longer live in fear, most of the time, but it has taken a toll in my life, in that I don’t have any friends locally. I haven’t made friends with my neighbors, not really. I am really eccentric. The friends I knew back when I was young have long disappeared, like ghosts in the wind. I am the loneliest person in the world. I see other people interact, talk, laugh, and I wonder what that’s like. It wasn’t like this for me on the mainland. I had friends. What happened?

 

I got sober. It became harder to relate. The friends I had, mostly, still drank. My crowd shrank. It had been shrinking anyway, as my ability to control my drinking got out of hand. When I left the mainland, I had one friend left who I still spent time with, someone I could be myself with. She is my best friend. We will always be friends, no matter what.

 

Why can’t I make friends? I have such a hard time trusting people. I am always let down. God never lets me down. But it sure gets lonely down here. I really love the beautiful people who follow my blog and those I follow. I love my family and friends on Facebook. But my life is lonely.