Silence

You come around
With all your sweet lies
And I accept them
In between sighs
Knowing that I
Soon
Will have to fortify
Against them and you
Since I am aware
You are untrue
In some fashion
For how am I to believe?
When you do not receive
Myself
When I am presented to you?
You instead provide passable regard
One would provide an estranged friend
Little affection or love’s reward
Why should we not end?

Advertisements

Illusion

In a fog, a disillusion
Long ago I thought
You were a solution
Now I just fight to relieve the pain of an illusion…
At first it was just a thrill
Devil May Care…
If you will.
But memories flood in
As they always will.
And that’s where you always get me
(Decades)
Those steely blue eyes…
Strong, sinewy arms that warm me at night.
No one else will really do.

How Many Times?

How many times
Will my soul need healing?
How many times
Do I get to kneeling?
Hear you’ve long ago lost all feeling?
And there’s no chance left
For me
Because of someone
Who left you
Long ago destitute…
Sad and blue…

Well that’s just not fair.
Your disregard shows.
So I sink into despair
We use a fool’s tools
Who follows fool’s rules
And level the playing field
As we yield to the other’s idiocy

But I still recall,
The days we met
How can I forget?
Braces, acne… fresh, sunny smiles
You and all your cunning wiles…
Then I did love you.
Although I did not know it yet…
Then I did fall.

Echoes, My Friend, Outside the Wind Blows, Never Love Again…

Echoes

Your laughter echoes, in the back of my mind, like a dream
Like a cascading waterfall, tumbling down, tickling my memory
an ECHO
It’s just a memory
It stagnates inside,
Stifles me.

My Friend

I had a friend…
I seem to have misplaced
A friend, a love, to me
Can you help me find him?
He disappeared, you see
I might have said something
That caused him to flee
Yet how can I ever know
How can I possibly see
If he will not talk to me?

Outside the Wind Blows

Outside the wind blows
Inside I’m missing you
and nobody knows
I can hear the beating of my heart
whispering silently inside
wishing we weren’t apart
so I deny
and tell myself it must be something else
But why, why?
something else must be making my heart feel this pain
After all, how can I feel it
When it is in vain?
the chimes play a melody so clear
why can’t i
Feel as well as hear
my true feelings
without the things that interfere?
Oh why…
There is no end
Only a beginning
Words are constrained for fear to offend
Just block the feelings that threaten to consume me
Dreamt of you all last night
Why doesn’t the import of your existence to me cause you to see?
Look inside
I’ve begged you
What is the most painful is what I hide.

Never Love Again

If I could wrap my arms around you
I’d thank the moon, the sun, the stars
I’d never forsake you
Never would I go far

Oh!
This endless ache
This never-ending love
Will it never end?
If I could lay
In your arms
Again
Find peace within me

You
I loved
More than God
The moon
The stars
The earth
The heavens
Grass on the ground, birds in the trees…

I desire
No more empty faces
No more endless nights
No more haunting dreams
Of what shall never be

My heart!
I will not die
Of a broken heart
I will live on
Yet without you
I will live thus:

Without love.

For I cannot love
That way
Ever Again

And to love
Any other way
It is a fallacy…a fraud

So I shall be true
To my heart
And never love again.

* Excerpts from http://www.amazon.com/Lost-Found-Violet-Yates-ebook/dp/B0051EZDZ2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1423955817&sr=8-1&keywords=lost+%26+found+violet+yates

We’re in a tragedy…

“I think I’m in a tragedy,” to quote Harold in Stranger Than Fiction.

by Christina Aguilera

I am done, smoking gun
We’ve lost it all, the love is gone
She has won, now it’s no fun
We’ve lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic, and this is tragic
You couldn’t keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world’s been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We’ve found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh, how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And though we tried you can’t deny
We’re left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic, and this is tragic
You couldn’t keep your hands to yourself, oh

I feel like our world’s been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We’ve found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you’re sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you’ll regret it, but it’s too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world’s been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We’ve found our lives been changed, yeah
Babe, you lost me

Life Advice 3.0

I am sure that none of this is original, yet I have been thinking a lot about life and love lately, and although its been a struggle, I am in love and experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. My boyfriend is terrified of love because of the past. Because of that he refuses to admit what is so obvious to me, that he is falling in love with me just as I am with him. I can see it in his eyes, his actions both when he is with me and when he is not. Even his pulling away is indicative of someone who is falling hard and afraid to let go and enjoy it in all its ways. I was writing in my private journal about this very thing a short while ago, venting on my frustrations regarding his lack of contact while he is away from me while listening to Avril Lavigne’s “When You’re Gone,” when I began to think of the ways in which this oddball relationship has changed me. You see, I was once like him: so afraid to love that I refused to allow anyone in all the way- indeed for many years after my ex-husband and I split up, I broke a few hearts. I would meet someone, sort of like them but terribly unsure. Within weeks or maybe a couple months max, I would have found so many things I disliked about them that I had multiple reasons to break things off with them. But the truth was, they weren’t my ex-husband and so I deliberately sabotaged myself by looking for men who had glaring flaws to begin with. Or, I would outright turn down men who could make the grade, because a few times when I did not, I wound up breaking their hearts. They just weren’t him, either.

So now, many anguishing years later, I have come up with a dozen sayings that I truly believe in. Some I’ve heard, some are very wide-spread, one my ex-husband said to me once, and some I am just fond of. I have found true beauty in the world since recovery.

If you love someone, show them.

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

Don’t let your loved one pay for another’s mistake.

Live in the moment and cherish it.

You’re not really living if you live in the past.

We are not meant to be alone.

Don’t expect someone to save you, only to hold your hand.

Be child-like in your appreciation of the world.

Don’t be afraid to fall in love.

Love yourself.

Dance in the rain.

Remember that beauty exists everywhere.

 

I hate you Desire

My heart is completely crushed. This I’ll likely not mend from easily, not like last time. I can’t focus. If I slow down, I’ll think about him and the lies he has told, the things he has done, over the years. I’ve been cleaning my apartment like a madwoman, throwing so much crap away- an attempt to shed myself of the past by ridding myself of material rubbish. I feel so much emptiness inside. I spent half of Monday putting away items from decades ago that just don’t fit on my bookshelf, clearing dust. Yesterday, after going three days on six hours of sleep, I changed my phone number. I couldn’t deal with the bullshit. He had told me Sunday he didn’t want to be with me, that he did not love me even though he told me on three separate occasions that he did and that I should forget him. He then proceeded to call within an hour of my going to sleep to ‘remind me’ that he didn’t love me, that he didn’t want me to call, that he would not listen to my messages and would simply delete my voicemails, then ramble on about how he ‘likes me, but doesn’t love me,’ to say ‘hi’ to my family, no wait, don’t. Then, “Maybe I’ll ‘check you out’ in a couple years” & “I hope you’ll do alright.”

I admit I became very upset when he began to push me away right after he told me he loved me, right after we had (I thought??) decided to be a couple. We started seeing each other only about six weeks ago, but I’ve known him for many years and I’ve seen him in the past. The first night we were together, I wasn’t sure about continuing to see him, but he persisted in calling and asking to come over so I relented and then he got into my heart. I did the whole pulling away thing first- but I wasn’t mean or cruel about it when he called wanting to know why I hadn’t called!

The night we decided to be together was my birthday, after a week of almost no contact. He had called earlier in the week and told me he wasn’t blowing me off, don’t worry and that he loved me. Then no calls, shows up on my birthday, we talked about what we were doing and I told him I didn’t want to get too serious but didn’t want just a fling either. He agreed. My birthday was great.

Then I don’t get a call at all for over a week, only one text to say he was thinking about me a couple days later, then I sent him a text because I was upset about the actions of an ex that I could not do anything about, and he breaks it off in a text, then the next day calls me and tells me very harshly that he does not love me, we’re not a couple, not to go looking for ‘love’ from him because I won’t find it. I do not even want to repeat his exact words because they hurt so much. He then calls back an hour later and apologizes for the way he acted and I hung up. I then began to have the worst panic attack I’ve ever had and thought I was having a stroke. I couldn’t barely speak or dial my phone; my words were coming out wrong. I sent him a text via speech to text and it came out jumbled. He called me and yelled at me before I could tell him that I thought there was something wrong with me. When I told him that I thought I had a stroke he acted like he couldn’t be bothered. Fortunately for me it wasn’t!

How could someone be so hot and then so cold? I’ve read all about how men pull away because they’re afraid they’ll ‘lose’ their independence and ability to hang with the guys, go fishing, do what they want basically. There is a website where you can go and read all about this. This guy actually counsels women on how not to be needy. Okay. Question. How is it ‘needy’ to want to know what the $&%^ is happening in your relationship? Are you supposed to be a mind reader? You mean to tell me that every woman who has a guy pull away is supposed to sit patiently at home while these guys get their heads on straight? How the flip is that fair? What about when we get scared? What happened to communicating? Shouldn’t you advocate communication with a potential partner over head games? It is extremely hurtful and upsetting not knowing where I stand with someone I love, calling them and having it go to voicemail, sending a text and not hearing back from them. Sure, it is great when they do reply. But you’ve got guys thinking it’s okay to dictate dating etiquette. No, it’s really NOT okay to keep a woman waiting. She has her own life to live, there could be that great guy who really will love her around the corner and you may just be hanging her up because of your selfish indecision!

Don’t get me wrong, I have done no contact before. I stopped talking to this same guy for months. Then I called him again and he was very happy to talk to me, or so I thought. I hate hurting people. I’d rather be honest and tell them that I do not know how I feel and they shouldn’t wait rather than tell them that I love them when I don’t know how I feel. I try to put myself in the others person’s shoes whenever possible.

Am I the easiest person to get along with? No. When someone hurts me, my first response is to lash out. I am human. Second is to cry.

Right now, I ache. This hurts. It is not what I planned on doing for my summer. As I was cleaning my living room yesterday, I had a rather large number of empty boxes stacked up on my couch. It almost looked like I was getting ready to move. I wish. I suppose the best thing would be to remove myself from this island at this point. I really miss Trinity. 😦 I kept thinking how easy it would be at that point to just pack up everything I’d just sorted… I can dream!

The thing I’m most upset about right now is, even after everything he’s said and done that has hurt me, I still desire him above all else. I hate you, desire!

What a Life to be Had

Trying so hard to figure you out

Filled with all kinds of insecurity and doubt

Don’t you know you’re all, you’re it, my world

You’re my muse, my everything, poetry unfurled

Love like nothing ever sung

Like no award ever hung

Writing in indigo

You stand so tall to me, a love I would never forgo

I’m feeling so poorly, I often can’t breathe,

I didn’t want you to worry, but why do I feel as if you seethe?

Seek me, find me, all I ask.

Are you up for the task?

My heart, it feels broken, like a stone weighted down,

Drowning in the depths of a deep ocean sound.

Distance too far to measure, I can’t swim so I sink,

I can’t sprout wings, I feel as if I’m on the brink.

I feel this deep shooting pain, oh what a cost!

Coughing, I cry out for a life that was lost.

See you, I must, as I foresee my demise.

‘No forwarded address, deceased, please advise.’

She died alone, poor woman, so sad.

We’d see her crying often, alone, what a life to be had.

 

 

Hanging on Your Every Word

So much pain I can hardly stand

How can I explain?

None of this was planned.

I feel small,

Ungrounded,

My body left earth and I felt I would fall.

Into an abyss

An endless chasm.

Easily dismissed.

Shattered, tears flow like a river,

Grasping, gasping for air,

I cannot stir.

Wounded, I attempt to climb,

Every word a rebuff,

Every second of silence a reminder of time,

“I love you, I want you to know,”

Efforts discounted.

How can we grow?

Breath is slight, I feel vertigo.

No matter this distance,

J’adore, j’taime.

Forever.

 

TrinasFairy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

840A0947

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

eye