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Don’t Ever Wanna Miss You

Still can hardly endeavor to believe
You’re right here beside me
Smilin and holding me close
I wanna fold you into forever

Dreamt of you through my tears
All those years
Something about you
Heals what’s broken in me

No longer standing still
I love and I feel
You and me, we are real
Don’t ever wanna miss you…

Stay

Unspoken words hang still in the air

The breath catches in my throat

Life, it seems, is never fair

Like a silent movie, it plays out til the bitter end

Regardless of dreams, wishes and cares

 

Emotions broil near the surface

Time… running into turmoil

Why is life such a complicated mess?

Can’t we just hold each other into the night?

 

I just love you and Love is worth the fight

I want you to stay and never take flight

Love me, my soul, all in due time

We are worth the climb.

<3

Crush

You pull me to you
Like crushed velvet
Enveloped in steel
Safe

The Drums – Down by the Water

I was reading a gal’s blog and she recommended this band, The Drums, an Indie Pop band from Brooklyn, N.Y., so I decided to check them out (also check out Phoenix, French alternative rock band, pretty cool stuff).  I was listening it with my boyfriend (decided to call him this because he calls me his ‘girl’ and calling him my ‘boy’ would sound weird, ‘man’ would be too possessive and so for lack of a more mature term, boyfriend it is…) and thought that  their ballad, Down by the Water, was just awesome.

Here it is:

 

Epic Love

On an ebb of a strong current

Like two virile seeds journeyed

Implanting, growing

To opposite shores they went.

 

Through a kaleidoscope motif of dreams

They grew, knew the seasons of life

Never forgetting that stream

Kindred spirits, lost leaves

 

Time isn’t always tolerant

Ease the throb of aberration

Banish the shade of desolation

Hardship

 

Gazing at a visage

Memory imprinted, seared.

Humor and laughter: Epic Love.

Whimsical. <3

We’re in a tragedy…

“I think I’m in a tragedy,” to quote Harold in Stranger Than Fiction.

by Christina Aguilera

I am done, smoking gun
We’ve lost it all, the love is gone
She has won, now it’s no fun
We’ve lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic, and this is tragic
You couldn’t keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world’s been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We’ve found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh, how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And though we tried you can’t deny
We’re left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic, and this is tragic
You couldn’t keep your hands to yourself, oh

I feel like our world’s been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We’ve found our lives been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you’re sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
And you’ll regret it, but it’s too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world’s been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We’ve found our lives been changed, yeah
Babe, you lost me

“Everytime”
by Britney Spears

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it’s haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It’s the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you’re haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you’re haunting me
I guess I need you baby

 
 
 

“…This whole rubber band theory that is played out in the beginning of relationships? Well, it sucks, guys. When a guy disappears and barely calls, it takes all those wonderful moments you’ve shared and puts them in the BIG question box. Understand- we know you want to keep part of your independence and are probably feeling a bit scared, possibly don’t know if you want to jump into something that can hurt you, most likely you aren’t ‘in touch’ with your feelings or don’t like sharing them because guys generally aren’t touchy-feely like that.
But you hurt others when you pull these disappearing acts- particularly the woman you’ve been seeing. Sometimes her neighbors and friends, if you’ve done your job…
Also, if you keep disappearing and reappearing, you may just break that darned rubber band.

This is my current status message on Facebook. This summer has been one of the most confusing since I have begun dating. It has also been one of the most love-filled. I suppose that is why I haven’t thrown in the towel thus far. But come on. I have spent way more time alone, wondering what the hell is going on, than with him. Sure, those times are awesome, fill me with such wonder for the way of the world and I wouldn’t go back and change them. Like I have said previously, I would rather love and lose than never love at all. But these disappearing acts? They’re getting old.

This time, he has not done so without a reason, and for that, I am happy. But he could call. If he cared, you would think he would. But he doesn’t always do so. It is as if he truly holds a repugnance for the telephone and all its ways. I finally caved and called him after not hearing from him (with the exception of two text messages, one oddly worded) and he did answer. But he ought to call me. I’m not super old-fashioned. But that should be a given. It’s already known to me that men like to be the initiators. So when he doesn’t call, I feel pathetic initiating. I’m not going to do it again.

I understand why he can’t come to see me. But like I said, he could call if he cared. If he’s feeling that worried, scared or whatever and wants to, as he calls it, ‘run away,’ then do it, but at least have the class to tell me so I am not wondering what the heck happened. Particularly when the last time we were together, everything seemed fine, in fact, you were more affectionate than usual, caressing my face, speaking of love, saying how much you ‘like’ me- I could see love in your eyes. Tell me you just turn it off. If so, tell me how you do it because I’d really like to do that right about now.

For my poetry enthusiasts, sorry I have not been posting poems, I’ve been in a place of some inner turmoil, but not quite ready to explore it yet. I did write this today, however:

Leapt across time

Braved a few storms

Protested, rejected, loved, hurt

Loved, oh yes, in many forms

You, oh yes you, mine?

We said hello, goodbye

Miss you, majestically grand, lofty dreams

Now I sit alone & Sigh

Slow song feelin sad staring high

Why you never call?

Disappear, reappear, love me more

Tell me what

What you got in store

I see you and I forget

the hurt

The Hurt from before

Life Advice 3.0

I am sure that none of this is original, yet I have been thinking a lot about life and love lately, and although its been a struggle, I am in love and experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. My boyfriend is terrified of love because of the past. Because of that he refuses to admit what is so obvious to me, that he is falling in love with me just as I am with him. I can see it in his eyes, his actions both when he is with me and when he is not. Even his pulling away is indicative of someone who is falling hard and afraid to let go and enjoy it in all its ways. I was writing in my private journal about this very thing a short while ago, venting on my frustrations regarding his lack of contact while he is away from me while listening to Avril Lavigne’s “When You’re Gone,” when I began to think of the ways in which this oddball relationship has changed me. You see, I was once like him: so afraid to love that I refused to allow anyone in all the way- indeed for many years after my ex-husband and I split up, I broke a few hearts. I would meet someone, sort of like them but terribly unsure. Within weeks or maybe a couple months max, I would have found so many things I disliked about them that I had multiple reasons to break things off with them. But the truth was, they weren’t my ex-husband and so I deliberately sabotaged myself by looking for men who had glaring flaws to begin with. Or, I would outright turn down men who could make the grade, because a few times when I did not, I wound up breaking their hearts. They just weren’t him, either.

So now, many anguishing years later, I have come up with a dozen sayings that I truly believe in. Some I’ve heard, some are very wide-spread, one my ex-husband said to me once, and some I am just fond of. I have found true beauty in the world since recovery.

If you love someone, show them.

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

Don’t let your loved one pay for another’s mistake.

Live in the moment and cherish it.

You’re not really living if you live in the past.

We are not meant to be alone.

Don’t expect someone to save you, only to hold your hand.

Be child-like in your appreciation of the world.

Don’t be afraid to fall in love.

Love yourself.

Dance in the rain.

Remember that beauty exists everywhere.

 

While being in love feels so epic, falling in love can also be traumatic. The first three months or so are anxiety producing, I am prone to one track mindedness, constantly sorting through conversations, tone, laughs, questioning feelings, re-living moments of joy, anxiety, kisses, love… My days are full of thoughts of him, his features imprinted upon my brain, heart; nights full of dreams of him. When I am with him I am ever focused on his every need or desire. I often stay awake to watch him sleep, never wanting to miss a moment with him. I anguish over losing him. Miss him when he’s not with me. Worry over whether I ought to keep my ringer on when awake, whether to bring my cell with me wherever I go, then become upset if he doesn’t call. I wonder how I ever got by the last time I was in love, when I didn’t have a cellphone! I listen to love songs, ascribing every emotion I am feeling to the song, every chord, applying them to the depths of my love for him. In short, my every moment and thoughts are filled with him.

I’ve only been in love twice now. I’ve been in a handful of long-term relationships, which to me seems like a lot. But I’ve only fought to be with another person, and stay with that person throughout the years, twice. I have loved, but that is different. I never fell in love so completely as I have with them.

Maybe if I could bypass all that insecurity and anxiety, I would, but falling in love is so awesome to experience. When I love someone like this, I would do just about anything for them. The other day, I found myself wishing I didn’t have to feel it. Yet today I find myself with a different perspective. Love truly is what makes the world go round. I would never want to miss the beginning of the ride! <3

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