Don’t Have a Clue

I cannot remain in this depressed state.
Once I believed in the hands of fate.
But lately it all just seems so wrong.
I feel like no matter what, I don’t belong.
Anywhere I try to fit,
Why do you all expect such per-fec-tion?
I’m only me, God’s lowly creation.
I haven’t even begun to live,
Without the confines and pre-requisites  which you give.
Don’t you see?
It’s all an illusion…
Brought about by a human drive…
I am not she…
Nor will I ever be.
I am ME.

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If Love Now Reigned

If Love Now Reigned
You would be here now
If only the world loved one another
Your goodness and grace could have withstood anything
When you went, our hearts cried
The Heavens opened and the floodgates of my eyes broke
Parts of me died
Left behind

If Love Now Reigned
The Light would swallow up the dark
No more heart ache
No missing you
If love now reigned
The word lonely would be obsolete
If love now reigned
We would be complete

Now not healed
Yet no longer broken
I am okay day to day
But I get emotional
Full sore at the mention of your name
The heartache it subsides sometimes
But nothing ever really stops the pain…

If Love Now Reigned
Love would swallow all the hate
No more would we ever have to love in vain…
Never would we hide our tears…
Hide our tears…
If only love now reigned…

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For Joni, I love you and miss you, on your 44th birthday. You are sorely missed. Love always, your sister, Violet Yates

Loss & Renewal

My sister passed away in August 2012 and I went through a great deal because of that and had some trauma happen in my life as well. I’m now recovering, slowly. Losing my sister was unlike any other death I had ever experienced; she was only 18 months older than me and we had shared a closeness that was similar to being twins in our childhood. We were both survivors of abuse at the hands of men, but she seemed to draw inwards whereas I sought help. I will always wonder what could have been if she had reached out a hand for help. I believe she would have flourished. But living with regrets and in the past is not living at all. I have learned that in the last year and a half.
I became very ill after my sister died. I found out I had a large ovarian cyst and almost a year ago went in to have surgery to have it removed. Unbeknownst to me, my doctor called in a general surgeon to remove scar tissue as well. I bled for 7 months straight after the surgery and was very weak, bedridden. The doctor who performed my surgery cut me off, severing our doctor patient relationship after I had called, concerned about the bleeding. I had to move and my car died. I had to wait for months before being able to see another doctor who could help me and by then the bleeding had stopped. I just wanted to know why I had been so sick and bleeding. The answer I received was that I had lost a lot of weight and it had thrown my system and hormones off. That may be the case but it seems odd that it happened to coincide with the surgery. At any rate, I am finally feeling better.
I have recently started to write poetry again and it makes it easier to cope with my emotions about the loss of my sister, being away from my daughter and the trauma I experienced just after my sister died. Some days are still hard and I deal with them as they come. I am still sober and thank God for this. I had always been worried about how I would cope with a death in the family being sober. I found out that while I didn’t cope all that well, I did it sober and that was the most important thing.

The Crack in My Heart

Ever Since I heard those words
You were Gone,
there has been a crack in my heart.
We were, too long
too far,
Apart.
Since we were children,
I held your hand,
you were my best friend.
Sharing secrets, clothes,
playing games,
through the fields we wend.
As teens we went different ways…
It often happens,
Yet still love stays.
Ma soeur, la jumelle, la famille,

(My sister, my twin, my family)
Precious is your memory,
Je vous remercie de nous avoir donné le don de vos filles!

* For my sister, Joni, who passed away in August, 2012 at the age of 41. She is greatly missed.