Before my sister died, there was a lot of conflict between us because of her addiction. She would mass text and email me and lock up the crappy little phone I had way back then. Most of her rants made little sense, and there were things said between us that were very angry and hurtful.
Then she died, and all that just washed away in grief and guilt. I forgot about those texts and emails for 6 years, until the other day when I was exploring my old Yahoo account and found them.
I was three years sober at the time of her death. But two years sober when the emails were sent. I was very intolerant, unforgiving, ready to attack, swear, shame…
I had a responsibility, as a sober Christian person, to be more loving, not to swear, to pray through my anger. To use a calmer head.
I am not saying that I am perfect now, for I am far from it. But grief and loss have taught me to take a more subtle approach when possible. Yes, absolutely tell an addict that they will die if they go on. But love them. Make sure that they know that there is always HOPE.
Why did I drink? Mostly because of guilt and shame. If we seek to show how forgiving we can be, while also not tolerating the act of addiction, how much easier it would be for an addict to seek treatment. And the phrase “You can’t do it on your own,” is a very true statement. None of us can do this life alone.
I have found my peace with Jesus Christ, He stands firmly behind me in my walk with sobriety. He forgives my past slips and relapses, with His abounding grace. Knowing that He does so makes me desire alcohol less. I would not be here today but for Him. That is agape love.
Tag: loss
If Love Now Reigned
If Love Now Reigned
You would be here now
If only the world loved one another
Your goodness and grace could have withstood anything
When you went, our hearts cried
The Heavens opened and the floodgates of my eyes broke
Parts of me died
Left behind
If Love Now Reigned
The Light would swallow up the dark
No more heart ache
No missing you
If love now reigned
The word lonely would be obsolete
If love now reigned
We would be complete
Now not healed
Yet no longer broken
I am okay day to day
But I get emotional
Full sore at the mention of your name
The heartache it subsides sometimes
But nothing ever really stops the pain…
If Love Now Reigned
Love would swallow all the hate
No more would we ever have to love in vain…
Never would we hide our tears…
Hide our tears…
If only love now reigned…
For Joni, I love you and miss you, on your 44th birthday. You are sorely missed. Love always, your sister, Violet Yates
Please read and follow my niece’s blog
I lost my sister 2.5 years ago to fate that no one would wish on anyone- it is so hard to digest that anyone would take their own life. I have had my own emotional ups and downs in my life and have gone down that dark rabbit hole too many times myself. But experiencing the kind of pain of being left behind causes a person to really go through so much turmoil and rejection. The question of “why?” is always there. And in our case, there will always be a question of, “was it really suicide?” Click below to read my niece’s heart-moving words.
http://dearestmotherjoni.blogspot.com/2014/12/all-signs.html
We Died Standing Still
I think of you and me and how we died standing still.
I was alone,
How could you not feel?
There were moments you would just stare,
As I stood in the pouring rain,
I never before felt such lack of care.
When I was sinking,
Down into the depths.
What could you have possibly been thinking?
You wore a path so sore,
You ripped and you tore,
Hid from me.
Smoking your cigarettes.
Selfish intent.
I thought I held your love yet it was only jealous respect.
My heart bled.
Now in retrospect,
Love I reject.
Domestic Violence
SAD
Too many disappointments have been reaped from a sorrow-filled life…
Too many tears I have shed, for a man who called me his wife.
Often I wonder what all this is for,
Why is this load so heavy to bear?
Why am I trying so hard?
It doesn’t seem to matter anymore.
Although I have come a long way,
From the misery of before,
Still I have to wonder,
What am I here for?
PLEASE UNDERSTAND
Please understand:
It wasn’t just the bruises that hurt.
It was the shame,
It was and is the names.
I was sinking,
Still do sometimes…
So low.
I feel I cannot live carrying this knowledge… must relieve it, but…
I don’t know how…
I sink…
I cry, give my soul to all the world.
Few can understand my plight.
Or could back then, either…
No one can fathom…
My psychology…
How helpless I felt .
I could not emotionally survive without him…
I could not save myself…
I turned on myself…
Blamed myself.
Excused him…
At times, how I loved him! Oh it was higher than the sky!
How I hated him, at others…
Then, confusion…
Then,
Vengeful…
Most of all,
Feeling, once more,
self-blame,
at the same time,
as Hate.
A cycle.
Missing on Maui & the Big Island of Hawaii
Missing From: Wailuku, Hawaii
Missing Since: 01/12/14
White Female
Age at Disappearance: 46
Date of Birth: 09/08/67
Height: 5’7
Weight: 170
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown
Clothing: Black cargo capri pants. Cotton Shirt
Nickname: Mo
Details of Disappearance
Monsalve was last seen around 10 p.m. on January 12 at her ex-boyfriend’s home in Wailuku. She was reported missing on January 14 and the car she had been driving was found later that day. She has never been seen or heard from since. Her case remains unsolved.
Investigative Agency
Maui Police Department ( Hawaii)
808-989-6246
Source: http://www.ncmissingpersons.org/moreira-monsalve/
Mowatch Page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mowatchmoreiramonsalve
If you know anything about Mo’s disappearance, please call MPD. Anything at all. Alexis and her family deserve to know, to have closure, to have justice.
Name: Carly “Charli” Scott
Missing from Makawao, Maui, Hawaii
Age: 27
Height: 5’10
Weight: 160 lbs
Hair: Red
Eyes: Green
NEW: Disappeared Special Aired tonight, May 26, 2014- Missing in Maui : http://www.investigationdiscovery.com/tv-shows/disappeared/videos/four-crime-scenes-one-missing-person.htm?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=DisappearedonID
Carly Scott’s mother reported her missing on Monday, February 10, 2014. She was last seen by a family member on Sunday night, the 9th of February, leaving her sister’s home in her 1997 Toyota 4Runner with her dog Nala. Her dog was found in the Nahiku Marketplace unharmed. Her vehicle was found burned near the Peahi shoreline at the surf spot also known as Jaws. Charli was nearly 6 months pregnant at the time of her disappearance. Her case was reclassified as a homicide on March 7, 2014.
Contact information: Callers can remain anonymous by contacting Maui Crime Stoppers, Inc. at (808) 242-6966 or toll free from outer islands at (888) 242-6966. Maui Crime Stoppers, Inc. is a non-profit corporation that allows members of the public to remain anonymous while providing police with information vital to this case. Or you can call the Maui Police Department Tip Hotline at (808) 244-6400 Ext. 0. Crimestoppers website, click here.
For further information, please visit Charli’s family’s Find Charli Scott Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/FindCharliScott
The family is having a memorial on Sunday, March 23, 2014, at 11:00 AM. Baldwin Beach Park, Paia, Hawaii.
Please pray for justice for Charli & Joshua Aiden Scott. You will never be forgotten.
If you know anything, any tiny little thing that could help break this case or Mo’s case, CALL IT IN. You will not only be doing a service to their families but for yourself, the human race. This poor woman and child did not deserve this fate. The perpetrator(s) of this crime(s) must be called to account for what he or they have done in a court of law. Also, if you have any theories with evidence to back it up, please get in touch with police or family. If you see anyone behaving suspiciously either in the area or on the web, call. Or get in touch online.
I was surprised to find out that I had a couple friends over there in Maui who were friends with people who were friends with Charli, her friends and her ex boyfriend. The islands are that small. I am rooting for you, Charli & Joshua! Much Love from a Hawaiian Violet to a beautiful Unicorn. ❤
Naomi Monica Shalom Sanders
Missing since June 6, 2011
Last Seen at her home in Kealakekua, Hawaii at 8pm
Big Island of Hawaii
County of Hawaii
State of Hawaii
First Name: Naomi
Middle: Monica Shalom
Maiden: Beshore
Age: 42 at disappearance
Height: 5’1-5’3
Weight: 100 -120 lbs
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Hazel
Tattoos: Tribal band tattoo upper right arm
Clothing: A blue t-shirt and black shorts or a dark red long sleeved shirt and dark-colored denim pants.
Medical: Sanders is an alcoholic. She is disabled.
Circumstances: Naomi Sanders (Beshore), female 42 years old, who resides at her mothers Kealakekua coffee-farm property, in a separate dwelling, was last seen at her residence on 06-06-2011 at about 8pm. The following morning she could not be located and mysteriously, her vehicle, purse, cell phone, etc remained. Sanders, an alcoholic, was reportedly extremely intoxicated and was acting unusual the last day she was seen but thorough searches were conducted on / around the property which resulted in no sign of Naomi.
Her bank account has been untouched. An extensive search of the area turned up no clues. She was supposed to fly to Honolulu on June 14, 2011 to have bladder surgery but never showed for her flight. A possible sighting of her on June 15 in the vicinity of the Honolulu Airport but this hasn’t been confirmed and there’s no evidence she flew at all.
Naomi was recently separated from husband, however there is no indication at this point to believe he or anyone else close to her is involved in her disappearance. She used to run a cleaning business with her husband, Professional Cleaning Systems. Little information is available. Her family believes she is deceased.
Sources: http://www.charleyproject.org/cases/s/sanders_naomi.html
http://www.missingin.org/reg6373/naomi_monica_shalom_sanders.htm
http://hilo.hawaiitribune-herald.com/sections/news/local-news/without-trace.html
I knew Naomi in High School, she was a friend of mine. I was younger than her and I knew her sister better. I was horrified and appalled to learn of her disappearance, and as the months and then years just went by with nothing new learned, it was just really awful and sad. No one knows what happened to Omi. Her sister still grieves for her. I cannot imagine any sort of real closure happening without knowing WHO, WHAT, WHEN, HOW & WHY.
Before my sister passed away, she was missing for almost two weeks. This wasn’t all that uncommon for her to fall off the radar for a few days, but weeks? Her daughter was pregnant and about to give birth. Then I called my dad and was in the process of leaving a message to say, ‘Hey maybe we ought to call in a missing person’s report,’ when my dad picked up and said my sister was gone. Eventually we got autopsy results and found out what happened. There was no foul play. It is still really sad and awful to lose a loved one the way we did. At least we know, we got answers… I still have a lot of questions, but those will likely never be answered.
The point is, every family needs to know. If you know what happened to Naomi, any clue whatsoever, please, do the right thing. Call Hawaii Police Department. Police Detective Sean Smith at 326-4646, ext. 262, or the police non-emergency line at 935-3311. Anonymous tips may be left at 961-8300.Thank you.
May all of our loved ones and all those who are missing who have passed rest in perfect peace.
Dreams
Oh I’m just sick of it, I just can’t stand another,
If you come to me in my dreams once more I feel I’ll smother.
With your loving smile, sweet blue eyes,
Deceptive guile and little lies.
I wake with longing or with dread,
How long my heart has bled.
Ten years I have spent alone,
to the wolves I have been thrown.
The ache, the sadness, never feeling complete,
Neglected, cast out, I have been beat.
My heart longs for what it never truly possessed,
When I pondered on my future this I never would have guessed.
I am unable to love anyone else in this manner, a defect.
Why this is so, why can’t I connect?
I feel this will be my life evermore,
Isolated, alone, dreaming of before.
The Crack in My Heart
Ever Since I heard those words
You were Gone,
there has been a crack in my heart.
We were, too long
too far,
Apart.
Since we were children,
I held your hand,
you were my best friend.
Sharing secrets, clothes,
playing games,
through the fields we wend.
As teens we went different ways…
It often happens,
Yet still love stays.
Ma soeur, la jumelle, la famille,
(My sister, my twin, my family)
Precious is your memory,
Je vous remercie de nous avoir donné le don de vos filles!
* For my sister, Joni, who passed away in August, 2012 at the age of 41. She is greatly missed.
Leaves of the Fall prologue
Prologue
The Past
Rose first met Ethan during her sophomore year in Hudson high school. As she was walking to French class, an obnoxious, overtly tall guy veered too close to her, causing her to drop her books all over the floor. The jerk turned his rounded eyes on Rose, shrugged, and then proceeded to pass as if nothing out of the ordinary occurred. Rose scrambled to gather her belongings; she knew this would make her late to her first class.
As if on a rescue mission, a golden-haired, sunny faced young man approached her and stooped to help.
Rose looked down on the boy and felt a strange jerk in her stomach. He’s beautiful, she thought as she sucked in a huge breath, surprised at this thought. He gazed up at her with alluring brown eyes. He looked strong, like he worked out, but not body-builder muscular. Some softness, just right to round off the edges.
“Some people are so lame,” he said as he stacked her books in a neat pile, handing her the books before rising to stand next to her. He was tall and cute in a model sort of way.
Rose wanted to say something, but she was tongue-tied. Gathering courage, she murmured her thanks and offered him a hesitant smile. Rose wasn’t normally shy like this.
“I’m Ethan Hathaway. I just moved here from Coxsackie,” Ethan said, breaking into a dazzling grin. He looked down at her books and noticed she had a text on creative writing in the pile.
“Rose Boyne.”
“Hey, you write fiction?”
“Yes, I do,” Rose replied, frowning. She was still trying to get her brain to work.
“I write poetry. A lot, actually. Hey, maybe we could get together sometime, write together or something.”
From that point on, she and Ethan had become good friends. Soon, they were sharing lunch together and hanging out after school. Then they met Trevor Dunn, Rose’s future husband, an outgoing, light brownish blonde, stocky athletic type who chased after Rose like she was the last girl on earth. She found herself having to choose between the two, and Trevor’s magnetic charisma won her over. Ethan took it in stride, glad that they could all still be friends. The trio soon became inseparable; they never did anything without each other. If they had plans, and one of them couldn’t go, no one would. It was never discussed; rather, it was just an unspoken agreement between them.
Now, a decade later, they had all grown up; Rose had married Trevor, and Ethan had married a girl who’d come into the picture during their senior year in high school: the fiery-tempered, red-head Sherri Tate, a girl who was either one’s best friend or one’s worst enemy- there was no middle ground.
Three years had gone by since Rose had spoken with Ethan, even though she occasionally ran into him in town. Three years did a lot to a person, changed them in ways not easily defined. Rose and Trevor’s marriage was failing. Whenever she thought of peace, her thoughts turned to Ethan. So when Rose heard of the accident last month, events began to snowball. After that time, Rose’s life as it had been would cease to exist.
During the first nasty storm of the fall, the buzz was that Ethan had crashed his truck and wrapped it around a tree. That was the story Rose was able to piece together, anyway. Rumors of his death began to circulate two days later, starting with Missy Stotski, who had called to tell her the bad news.
The phone thrilled in the background, its shriek a violent assault on Rose’s ears. Rose had been washing dishes, and resented the intrusion. She ran to pick it up.
“Rose, sit down. You’re not gonna believe this.”
Missy and Rose had known each other for years and become fast friends. They both worked at Point of View, a small fiction publishing company in Albany, New York. Their calls seemed to always start like this, with one of them dishing out juicy tidbits of gossip to the other. Only this time, Missy’s tone was one of sadness.
“What’s up, Missy?”
“Ethan Hathaway is dead, Rose.”
Trying to keep her voice steady, even though her belly was performing a series of gymnastic moves at that very moment, Rose bade Missy to continue.
“There was a bad accident the other night.”
Rose sat down on her couch with a thud. Dead? Ethan? NO. Darkness began to descend on her.
“Is this a joke? Cuz it’s not funny.”
“I’m not kidding. Rick just called from work and told me. Everyone’s talking about it. Isn’t it awful?” Missy whispered.
“Good Lord.” Rose fought the tears, although a few escaped. How could this be? She just saw him the other day, in the supermarket. He had been fine. Living, breathing, and alive. Broken, she told Missy she had to go. She fought off a wave of nausea.
“You okay? Do you want me to come over?” Missy asked, but Rose’s mind was elsewhere.
“What?” Rose shook her head to clear the cobwebs out. “Yeah, that’d be great.”
Rose pulled herself back from the slump she’d fallen into, thanked Missy and hung up the phone. Ethan couldn’t be dead. There was so much she had never told him.
Click here to purchase and read the rest of the story: http://www.amazon.com/Leaves-of-the-Fall-ebook/dp/B0052XQL7Q/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310813197&sr=8-1
Cover for Tears of Heaven
I think I’ve found the cover for Tears of Heaven. My son’s girlfriend is a brilliantly gifted artist. She drew me a picture with pastels last summer, and I never really gave it a second thought. Tonight while considering what to use for my cover, I happened to glance at it. It is perfect. It is just stunning enough to grab someone’s attention and abstract enough to make someone want to look closer to see what it is. I feel really good about this.
Here’s the cover, like this or comment to let me know if you think I should use it:
- Tears of Heaven, cover art by Laura Whitney
Blurb for novel:
Lena Ka’awa, a dark-haired Hawaiian beauty, takes on the powers of Pele, which causes catastrophe for Kaitlyn McDowell, and Ikaika Leahi. Tristan, Kaitlyn’s husband dies in a fiery car accident. Ikaika’s wife, Beth, and their child, Aolani, are also killed. The two, Kaitlyn and Ikaika meet up at the graveside and look to each other for friendship and comfort. Aolani is now a ghost with supernatural powers; she ‘pushes’ Kaitlyn to investigate the ‘accident’ further, causing them to suspect that Lena killed them… Tears of Heaven is set on the Big Island of Hawaii. It has a lot of Hawaiian culture and history in it, but it is classified as contemporary fiction.
hawaiianviolet 