A Butterfly Transformed

You can speak in ten thousand rhymes

Say he’s no good for me

But you don’t know him

No matter how I plea

You won’t open your eyes and see

How it is with him and me


As the sun and sky meet the mighty sea

A loft upon clouds of majesty

He holds off the night’s storm

Wow you see why I was torn?


All I ever was

Turned upside down

In his warm gaze, thaws…

There’s no chill here

No cold embrace


Just love when In doubt

A laugh and a shout

Turning me about

Read it out loud.


I am beautiful, I am formed

Like a butterfly transformed.

Waxing poetic in the rain

I will never be the same.

This heady feeling does complete me

I don’t care if it isn’t seemly.



You touched my soul
Held me in your arms
It was my heart you stole

Cherish every moment
The magic in a kiss
The truth is chosen
But do we exist?

Dancing close to the fire
Happiness so easy to obtain
Elevate us higher
True love is so noble

Was that not your goal?
To relieve discontent?
Providing meaning to the answers
Show a spoken desire…

We were one, together
We are love, forever
Time has no relevance
We touch and perceive benevolence

All the Confusion Fades

I feel like I had fortune on my side this weekend. Everything that happened seemed to happen for a reason and all of it was good. Last week I was feeling so awful about everything in my life, lonely, sad, missing him… I changed my phone number, adjusted my expectations and direction in my life, stopped saying, “No, I can’t,” and my how things worked out.

As most of you know, I’ve got a daughter in Upstate New York whom I haven’t seen in 2.5 years. I miss her dearly and have been trying to figure out how to go about getting there. The fact that it is nearly impossible to save money has hindered me in this endeavor. I’ve been feeling like I’m losing ground with her and need to just get there. There are also several other reasons for going, the top being that I don’t see myself having a successful career here, I want to broaden my horizons further by possibly studying linguistics in the future, and I also want to eventually travel. Sure, I could travel from Hawaii, but not if the career doesn’t pan out first. I was researching linguistics the other day and really found myself intrigued by it- I’ve always been fascinated with words (hence the English degree) and the way they came about, come to be pronounced, their sounds and the feelings that they invoke, are all very exciting to me. This topic is very intellectually stimulating to me. I do consider myself an intellectual.

After the heartache of last week, I just said screw it and began listing my belongings on Craigslist. I’ve already sold a couple things. I know this will be a slow process, but I have faith. I suppose that was all that I was lacking. I know that it will not be easy, but I will get there, I will have my daughter in my life, good career, etc. I want more than this little island can offer. I have so many memories of the places I’ve been to and I want to see them again as I am now. There is so much beauty in existence in this world and we should not seek to limit ourselves to one place necessarily.

Then he contacted me and we talked about what happened, why things were said the way they were said… I knew he was scared so it was no surprise to hear him say it. I’ve been through a divorce and so has he so it’s only natural to be hesitant about allowing someone in. I’m vulnerable in that regard as well. It was truly elating to hear from him, to have him speak his mind and to spend a couple days with him. Yes I love him, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. I care about him and do not want to push him away or make him feel his independence is threatened. We have such a wonderful time with each other, it’s like two souls meeting after being lost for many years. I find myself constantly stimulated around him, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well as in other ways. He makes me feel safe and happy. That is all.

I am still moving forward with my plans to move. I have to put my daughter first. I will not continue to make excuses as to why I cannot go. I must go. I will always love him, however.

I hate you Desire

My heart is completely crushed. This I’ll likely not mend from easily, not like last time. I can’t focus. If I slow down, I’ll think about him and the lies he has told, the things he has done, over the years. I’ve been cleaning my apartment like a madwoman, throwing so much crap away- an attempt to shed myself of the past by ridding myself of material rubbish. I feel so much emptiness inside. I spent half of Monday putting away items from decades ago that just don’t fit on my bookshelf, clearing dust. Yesterday, after going three days on six hours of sleep, I changed my phone number. I couldn’t deal with the bullshit. He had told me Sunday he didn’t want to be with me, that he did not love me even though he told me on three separate occasions that he did and that I should forget him. He then proceeded to call within an hour of my going to sleep to ‘remind me’ that he didn’t love me, that he didn’t want me to call, that he would not listen to my messages and would simply delete my voicemails, then ramble on about how he ‘likes me, but doesn’t love me,’ to say ‘hi’ to my family, no wait, don’t. Then, “Maybe I’ll ‘check you out’ in a couple years” & “I hope you’ll do alright.”

I admit I became very upset when he began to push me away right after he told me he loved me, right after we had (I thought??) decided to be a couple. We started seeing each other only about six weeks ago, but I’ve known him for many years and I’ve seen him in the past. The first night we were together, I wasn’t sure about continuing to see him, but he persisted in calling and asking to come over so I relented and then he got into my heart. I did the whole pulling away thing first- but I wasn’t mean or cruel about it when he called wanting to know why I hadn’t called!

The night we decided to be together was my birthday, after a week of almost no contact. He had called earlier in the week and told me he wasn’t blowing me off, don’t worry and that he loved me. Then no calls, shows up on my birthday, we talked about what we were doing and I told him I didn’t want to get too serious but didn’t want just a fling either. He agreed. My birthday was great.

Then I don’t get a call at all for over a week, only one text to say he was thinking about me a couple days later, then I sent him a text because I was upset about the actions of an ex that I could not do anything about, and he breaks it off in a text, then the next day calls me and tells me very harshly that he does not love me, we’re not a couple, not to go looking for ‘love’ from him because I won’t find it. I do not even want to repeat his exact words because they hurt so much. He then calls back an hour later and apologizes for the way he acted and I hung up. I then began to have the worst panic attack I’ve ever had and thought I was having a stroke. I couldn’t barely speak or dial my phone; my words were coming out wrong. I sent him a text via speech to text and it came out jumbled. He called me and yelled at me before I could tell him that I thought there was something wrong with me. When I told him that I thought I had a stroke he acted like he couldn’t be bothered. Fortunately for me it wasn’t!

How could someone be so hot and then so cold? I’ve read all about how men pull away because they’re afraid they’ll ‘lose’ their independence and ability to hang with the guys, go fishing, do what they want basically. There is a website where you can go and read all about this. This guy actually counsels women on how not to be needy. Okay. Question. How is it ‘needy’ to want to know what the $&%^ is happening in your relationship? Are you supposed to be a mind reader? You mean to tell me that every woman who has a guy pull away is supposed to sit patiently at home while these guys get their heads on straight? How the flip is that fair? What about when we get scared? What happened to communicating? Shouldn’t you advocate communication with a potential partner over head games? It is extremely hurtful and upsetting not knowing where I stand with someone I love, calling them and having it go to voicemail, sending a text and not hearing back from them. Sure, it is great when they do reply. But you’ve got guys thinking it’s okay to dictate dating etiquette. No, it’s really NOT okay to keep a woman waiting. She has her own life to live, there could be that great guy who really will love her around the corner and you may just be hanging her up because of your selfish indecision!

Don’t get me wrong, I have done no contact before. I stopped talking to this same guy for months. Then I called him again and he was very happy to talk to me, or so I thought. I hate hurting people. I’d rather be honest and tell them that I do not know how I feel and they shouldn’t wait rather than tell them that I love them when I don’t know how I feel. I try to put myself in the others person’s shoes whenever possible.

Am I the easiest person to get along with? No. When someone hurts me, my first response is to lash out. I am human. Second is to cry.

Right now, I ache. This hurts. It is not what I planned on doing for my summer. As I was cleaning my living room yesterday, I had a rather large number of empty boxes stacked up on my couch. It almost looked like I was getting ready to move. I wish. I suppose the best thing would be to remove myself from this island at this point. I really miss Trinity. 😦 I kept thinking how easy it would be at that point to just pack up everything I’d just sorted… I can dream!

The thing I’m most upset about right now is, even after everything he’s said and done that has hurt me, I still desire him above all else. I hate you, desire!

I need prayer & most of all, Hope

I’m making this confession because I just came to the realization that I have lost my faith. I need Hope and prayer. This has not been an overnight process, it happened over the last year and a half I think. It makes me really sad. I really love the Lord and enjoy listening to music and even reading quotes and scripture if they’re put in front of me but do not seek it out. I miss my relationship with him. I do know that my life has been really tough and I’ve been angry a lot, holding it in, feeling like I’m being punished for slights and sins. I need to see that a light is in the end of my journey, I guess, before I’ll turn around. I need to know I’ll be okay, to have at least a few answers to my questions/prayers. I don’t need to hear negative stuff all the time either. I believe in LOVE always. For all of us. Love, Vi

Say NO to Comcast in Kona!

If Comcast comes to Hawaii (KONA), they will bring their poor customer service, higher prices, crappy internet service, etc. If you thought TWC was bad, you don’t want Comcast here. I have had so many issues with my modem needing to be reset on almost a daily basis, losing signals, slow speeds, but I’ve done my research and Comcast is holy crap bad… the only time it seems you can get through to them is when you want to purchase one of their services, but when you want something fixed, you’re passed on to one person after another until you either give up or pass out.
A monopoly like this shouldn’t be allowed because it is unfair- that is why laws exist and that is why we were given the opportunity to say quite loudly “NO!” Do your part. Comments may also be emailed to cabletv@dcca.hawaii.gov, faxed to 586-2625, or mailed to Cable Television Division, Department of Commerce and Consumer Affairs, P.O. Box 541, Honolulu, HI 96809. All testimony must be filed with the department’s Cable Television Division by 4:30 p.m. July 25. To learn more about the transfer, go to cca.hawaii.gov/catv/cable_operators/comcast-time-warner-merger.

Article in West Hawaii Today about how almost nobody showed up. (I didn’t, but I emailed them- I don’t own a car, so I get a pass): http://westhawaiitoday.com/news/local-news/testifiers-sparse-kona-hearing-time-warner-cable-comcast-corp-merger

He Told His Love

Across time, Distant sea
Held her heart, Secretly
His name, blush ‘pon fair skin
She would tell her love, yet where to begin?
Others had tried their wiles
Used and beguiled
She finally had the opportunity
She was fearful her love would flee
He then did something she did not expect
He told his love, she happily did accept.

by Violet Yates, written in the style of William Blake. ❤

Section 8: Unfair Market Rent, Lowered Payment Standard for Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

Can you find a 1 bedroom apartment for $780 plus electric or $857 with electric OR a 2 bedroom apartment for $950 plus electric or approx $1035 with electric in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii? I’ve checked Craigslist and West Hawaii Today’s real estate ads. Guess what? The average rental is about $1000 for a ONE bedroom without electric- most are much higher. Two bedrooms can run anywhere from $1250-2500. It’s not even a choice of my staying here and paying the higher rent. Yes I could do that, suffer for a while. But what if I have to move. Where will I go? I could end up on the street.

What is HUD thinking? The goal of the Housing Authority is not to just issue Housing Choice Vouchers and Section 8 Certificates, but to ENSURE that people can FIND housing within 60-90 days. Usually when a voucher or certificate is issued, it expires in 60-90 days and it is up to the PHA (Public Housing Authority) who issued it in the area to either extend it or not. In Hawaii, they likely will not because so many people are on the waiting list. These vouchers and certificates are lifelines for people like me, who are disabled, for people who are hard to house, people who are economically disadvantaged, low-income, the working poor, etc. We are at the lowest strata of society. Many people are able to greatly improve their lives as a result, move out of bad neighborhoods, etc. Indeed, that is the goal of the PHA Section 8 program, to increase desegregated populations and help people move out of poor economically disadvantaged neighborhoods. Historically, reducing the payment standard has often seen people having no choice but to move back into those neighborhoods and worse, lose their housing. It is not right nor is it fair. In the end, payment standards had to be readjusted anyway. Their formula is based on 5 years of aggregated data compiled since 2009, and also renter move-in data, but for non-metro areas they discount the move-in data and use nationwide data which is not applicable in high rent areas such as Hawaii. This needs to be addressed. I wrote to the Office of Housing’s D.C. office regarding Fair Market Rent’s unfair data collection process and the payment standard’s negative affect on the poor tenants on their programs. Will you? Don’t let the Federal Government balance the budget on the back’s of our poorest citizens! Their address and phone numbers are:

Phone: 1-202-708-1112
TTY: 1-202-708-1455
U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development
451 7th Street SW
Washington DC 20410

Vapor 4 Life, Diamond Starter Kit, Dial A Volt 1300 MAH: E-cigarette and Vaping Review

I ordered an E-cigarette kit from http://www.vapor4life.com/ three weeks ago. I picked the Diamond Slim kit, which is $29.95, not a bad price. It arrived a few days later, which was nice since I live in Hawaii and even priority mail takes longer usually than 2-3 days. The battery comes in several different colors- red, blue, green, purple, matte black, shiny black, white, gold, pink and silver ( but I didn’t know that so I was sent black). I also was sent their slim charger (white), case and Wow Vapor Cartomizers. If you order, remember to ‘click to customize’ and pick the flavors you want in your kit in addition to strength, length and color or they will pick for you. The tobacco cartomizers were: traditional (marb light), wowboy (marb red), Oasis (Camel), Triple Nickle, Wobacco (also a little like a Marlboro)and they also threw in samples of Cool Carts (cartomizers that run cooler than Wow Cartomizers): clove, caramel mocha frappe, pear and menthol (yuck).  I don’t like menthol flavors but the rest were okay. I really liked the caramel mocha frappe. 🙂

The battery was charged upon arrival which was nice. The tobacco flavors tasted pretty close to a real cigarette and for the first time in a long time, I felt confident in my ability to stop smoking. I also had ordered Wow Vapor Traditional Tobacco cowboy flavored juice for use in blank cartridges or to put in used carts- others claim this juice tastes like Marlboro lights and I think it does for the most part, although it does get a bit weak towards the end. It also came with business cards to give away, but I have to have confidence in a product and company as a whole before I’ll ever pass out cards, so… I decided to see how long the battery actually lasted, and while it does last about two days using it about four times a day, I could see having only one battery as a huge problem when I quit smoking cigarettes for good. The last thing I want is to go back to cigarettes (once I’ve quit) because of a dead battery.

I went back on their site after a few days of using the Diamond and purchased a stronger battery to use during the daytime, a 1300 MAH Dial A Volt. I also purchased a Smileomizer tank that holds more eliquid so I wouldn’t have to change cartomizers all the time. I received these in the mail along with a bunch more samples in about four days. Not bad. I was eager to try the Dial A Volt and boy was I disappointed…

I really appreciated all the samples they sent, but the Dial A Volt would NOT charge. The tiny instruction booklet they included with it said the charge time for this size battery took 10-12 hours but times may ‘vary…’ Well, it was on the charger for way longer and I got NOTHING. I took it off the charger once in a while to see if it would work and it did not. This thing cost me $49, and it was nothing more than a glorified paperweight. I emailed customer service and they mailed me a replacement (via first class mail, might I add- which was upsetting because there is only a 30 day money back guarantee and after that it’s a one year replacement warranty only). After waiting a week and a half (!) for the replacement, it arrived yesterday and guess what? Same thing. Did NOT charge. So now I am again waiting for a response from customer service. I am severely disappointed. This Dial A Volt would have been perfect for me, as you can adjust the voltage on the unit so if you want a stronger hit on the juice, you can turn it up. If you want less, you can turn it down. And that’s what I need. I’m thinking the slim charger may have a problem with the larger batteries… so I went ahead and ordered the USB charger made specifically for the Dial A Volt. Now I have to wait for that. And I’m flat broke now. Out of cigarettes. I wanted to quit smoking by the 15th of July. Very aggravated at this point. I’ve been reading about the Ego Twist and it’s much cheaper. Maybe I should have gone that route instead? But they have a different connection, so that would mean new charger, new cartomizers… blah blah blah. See my frustration?

I do say, the Smileomizer is an Excellent product so far. It works with my Diamond battery in spite of its large size and while ideally I’d love to use it with the battery its intended for, it’s not a total loss even if I can’t get the Dial A Volt to work. I find myself wishing I’d bought a Vapor Zeus instead, but I liked the fact that I could adjust the voltage on the DAV. I also didn’t like that many were comparing the Zeus to a cigar. I loathe cigars. The only thing I didn’t like about the larger units is the size, but I thought that the performance would make up for that. The Smileomizer is nice because I’m not that knowledgeable about tanks at the moment and the cartomizers are so small it seems a waste of money for me. For those who use their teeth, well, you can bite into these (though I probably won’t). You can also get your own tips- Ming Vase shaped or Classic (for when you wear out the one that came with it). Tip for the tips: get the large for the large size Smileomizers. They’re so easy to use. Best yet, they’re on sale right now for $7.50 or you can buy 5 for $32.50.

The best thing about Vapor 4 Life seems to be their cartomizers. I’m not trying to be totally unfair to them. They do have good products. My experience has been jaded by something that isn’t working. I love their Cool Carts. They have high resistance, heat at a lower temperature, so they last longer. My favorite flavors so far are English Toffee, Caramel Mocha Frappe and Blueberry Cobbler. I’m a bit of a newbie when it comes to their e-liquid but I do like the 24 mg Traditional Tobacco Cowboy. I’ll post another blog once I’ve tried more e-liquid flavors. I really liked all the tobacco flavors in the Wow Vapor Cartomizers but I reordered Triple Nickle and Wowboy. I decided to try the Traditional Tobacco Cowboy in Cool Carts as it had some good reviews. And I ordered Wowboy e-liquid in 24 mg. I had thought I should get 18 mg because I smoke between 10-15 cigarettes, usually 10 or less a day, but the 18 didn’t quite cut it so I’ve been using 24 mg mostly. Click here for more about finding your nicotine level. Remember you may have to order a few strengths. I do not recommend the 36 mg unless you smoke multiple packs a day!

So I’m not a total happy camper even though there are some things to be happy about. The bulk of the money I spent seems for nothing. I am hoping that either the USB cord I ordered works or that Vapor 4 Life makes good on this by sending me something that is pre-tested and definitely works! We shall see. I will post a new blog when this comes to a conclusion. If anyone has had a similar experience and has had it resolved, or wants resolution, please contact me!

For people who are against E-cigarettes, this is not the place to argue against them. I’ve done my research. This blog is not about the pros and cons of e-cigs, it’s about my frustrations with a defective product as well as some successful ones. I’d rather do this than chew nicotine gum, suck on lozenges or absorb nicotine through my skin with the patch- they all make me sick and I can’t manage to quit cold turkey. This doesn’t make me physically ill- those do. Please respect my decision. Thank you.