Life Advice 3.0

I am sure that none of this is original, yet I have been thinking a lot about life and love lately, and although its been a struggle, I am in love and experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. My boyfriend is terrified of love because of the past. Because of that he refuses to admit what is so obvious to me, that he is falling in love with me just as I am with him. I can see it in his eyes, his actions both when he is with me and when he is not. Even his pulling away is indicative of someone who is falling hard and afraid to let go and enjoy it in all its ways. I was writing in my private journal about this very thing a short while ago, venting on my frustrations regarding his lack of contact while he is away from me while listening to Avril Lavigne’s “When You’re Gone,” when I began to think of the ways in which this oddball relationship has changed me. You see, I was once like him: so afraid to love that I refused to allow anyone in all the way- indeed for many years after my ex-husband and I split up, I broke a few hearts. I would meet someone, sort of like them but terribly unsure. Within weeks or maybe a couple months max, I would have found so many things I disliked about them that I had multiple reasons to break things off with them. But the truth was, they weren’t my ex-husband and so I deliberately sabotaged myself by looking for men who had glaring flaws to begin with. Or, I would outright turn down men who could make the grade, because a few times when I did not, I wound up breaking their hearts. They just weren’t him, either.

So now, many anguishing years later, I have come up with a dozen sayings that I truly believe in. Some I’ve heard, some are very wide-spread, one my ex-husband said to me once, and some I am just fond of. I have found true beauty in the world since recovery.

If you love someone, show them.

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

Don’t let your loved one pay for another’s mistake.

Live in the moment and cherish it.

You’re not really living if you live in the past.

We are not meant to be alone.

Don’t expect someone to save you, only to hold your hand.

Be child-like in your appreciation of the world.

Don’t be afraid to fall in love.

Love yourself.

Dance in the rain.

Remember that beauty exists everywhere.

 

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We Died Standing Still

I think of you and me and how we died standing still.

I was alone,

How could you not feel?

There were moments you would just stare,

As I stood in the pouring rain,

I never before felt such lack of care.

When I was sinking,

Down into the depths.

What could you have possibly been thinking?

You wore a path so sore,

You ripped and you tore,

Hid from me.

Smoking your cigarettes.

Selfish intent.

I thought I held your love yet it was only jealous respect.

My heart bled.

Now in retrospect,

Love I reject.

Domestic Violence

SAD

Too many disappointments have been reaped from a sorrow-filled life…

Too many tears I have shed, for a man who called me his wife.

Often I wonder what all this is for,

Why is this load so heavy to bear?

Why am I trying so hard?

It doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Although I have come a long way,

From the misery of before,

Still I have to wonder,

What am I here for?

 

PLEASE UNDERSTAND

Please understand:

It wasn’t just the bruises that hurt.

It was the shame,

It was and is the names.

I was sinking,

Still do sometimes…

So low.

I feel I cannot live carrying this knowledge… must relieve it, but…

I don’t know how…

I sink…

I cry, give my soul to all the world.

Few can understand my plight.

Or could back then, either…

No one can fathom…

My psychology…

How helpless I felt .

I could not emotionally survive without him…

I could not save myself…

I turned on myself…

Blamed myself.

Excused him…

At times, how I loved him! Oh it was higher than the sky!

How I hated him, at others…

Then, confusion…

Then,

Vengeful…

Most of all,

Feeling, once more,

self-blame,

at the same time,

as Hate.

A cycle.

 

Why

Every day I wish that I could cry
Staring at a lapis lazuli sky
Sometimes I wish he could see
What exactly he did to me
Turned me inside out
But the tears are all gone, now there’s a drought
If I hit the switch
Who will thread the needle and stitch?
Angry orange sphere blazing down into the atmosphere
Why must you disappear? Why must you disappear?

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